Itchier Than Sparkles in the Asscrack (Thank You, Sarah Silvey – not that Sarah gave me Sparkles in My Asscrack – She just came up with this title – which begs the question: Sarah, how many times have you had sparkles in your asscrack?)

As I walked out of the office, I realized I just saw my last client until I get my license — knock on wood. It was a bittersweet moment that was quickly replaced with itching — because hives were blooming all over my body. I won’t go into graphic detail, but when I say all over, I mean all over!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m allergic to, but my money is on an above-average year for fucking mountain cedar pollen. Either that or my body’s just become more sensitive to that and/or other things. But I’m pretty sure it’s mountain cedar. However, this is pure speculation on my part and has yet to be verified through an allergist’s office. And if it proves to not be an above-average year for fucking mountain cedar, well, you’re not getting my money, anyway. That will be reserved for the doctor. So back off!

Monkey Scratching GIF - Monkey Scratching Armpit GIFs

Anyway, last week, the allergist’s office called while I was in the middle of a session with a client, which was not a convenient time for me to talk. My PHP (Primary Healthcare Physician) knows that I tend to not follow up with the specialists they want me to go see, (yes, I know this is bad on my part, but I so don’t need to hear y’all nag at me, too, ‘k?) Anyway, my doctor (more likely the nurse) now gets in touch with the specialists directly and has them call me to set up an appointment; hence the inconvenient timing of the phone call. My PHP did this with the proctologist’s office (and, yes, I finally got a colonoscopy after a couple of years of badgering) and the place that also does my annual mammogram (yes, I’ve had one for the last two years now — and I’m here to tell ya that this annual event hasn’t gotten easier); and now my PHP has done it, again, with the allergist’s office.


doctor strangelove GIF

Damn, I wish I had that kind of power. When I nag, my loved ones just check out altogether or do the exact opposite because — who the hell do I think I am nagging at them? Uhm…your wife, your mother, your daughter. Hello? Anyone there? Can any of my family hear me? *crickets*


dead silence GIF by GIPHY Studios Originals

Yep, I hold no power. However, the hives have been super bad for me this year and they itch like no tomorrow (I wish I had a great colloquialism for how bad I itch — but hey, y’all are a creative and verbose bunch, help an itchy bitch here with a great simile, will ya? I will name this post after the one I like best and attribute it to you!) Because I’m itching like…no tomorrow (I know, y’all! 🙁 ), but it’s been bad and so I’ve been taking lots and lots of Benedryl, which means I have Benedryl brain, which means, my inability to come up with any great phrasing right now is in direct proportion to my use of fucking Benedryl: ergo, I have squat except a raging case of Benedryl brain. I itch like a dog with fleas?  (See, even I know that’s crap!)

Dog Scratching GIF - Dog Scratching GoingNuts GIFs

And even though I kind of resent my PHP for siccing the specialists on me, I’m also kind of glad they did because who knows when I would have gotten around to finding the piece of paper they gave me with the allergist’s name and phone number on it. I’ve got better things to do when I’m not scratching and being miserable. However, even though I’m glad they called me, I will not encourage this type of behavior when I next see my PHP. It feels intrusive…alright, it feels fucking naggy. And, yeah, I guess, I need to be nagged once in awhile, but I’m not going to encourage it. Still, I appreciate their trying to help me. I’m complex if not ambiguous.


Anyway, I finally got back with the allergist’s office yesterday morning, and now I’ve got an appointment set up for later this week. They wanted to schedule me for at least a week away so I could stop my Alka-Seltzer, Claritan, Benedryl and Tagamet cocktail I’ve been taking to keep the stupid hives at bay for at least SEVEN DAYS! Something about so this wouldn’t skew test results. The other thing is that I’ll be seeing a PA, because to see a doctor with my lousy insurance, first availability is in December. Anyway, I told the young woman on the phone that she was asking a little much, didn’t she think. “So you just want me to itch for a full week with HIVES before I see y’all?” At that point, she decided to put me down for a consultation instead of a full work up, and she said they could see me later this week and then we can go from there. You bet your sweet ass, consultation. I wouldn’t survive a full week without meds, bitch.

So I suspect they’ll talk to me about my allergies as in sneezing and watery eyes, and liquid-filled ears and generally just filling up with snot at this time of the year, every year for as long as I’ve lived aka hay fever; asthma since I was diagnosed at two years old; and of course, hives, which are late comers to this party. Woohoo! We are so having fun now! Yes, I’m one of those lucky people whose bodies are such divas that they can’t blink without their bodies reacting in a dramatic fashion. And yes, when I mean diva, I mean a young diva that will throw a hissy fit at a literal blink of an eye!

If only I had the money to maintain a diva lifestyle. Alas, even though I’m poor, my body doesn’t care, dawling!

Then I’m sure the PA will ask me whether I’m using any different type of product in the home or have I been around anything new that might be the source of my allergic reaction. And I’ll say, “You mean like have I recently gotten a new pet?” And this PA’s eyes will twinkle and their ears will perk up and they’ll say, “Yes,” believing for sure that we are on to something.

Okay. So here’s the thing — the dog, whether I’m allergic to him or not — and no doubt, I am — he’s family now. So let’s just say that maybe I am allergic to him, okay? But there are times when I could swear that I’m also allergic to David and Ryan and Lauren as well — and we won’t even get into extended family. But do I say, “I’m allergic to you, human family members, so you have to go, doctor’s orders?” No. No, I do not. And why is that? Because they are family and we don’t kick family out of the house over allergies. So that same logic applies to Buddy, Birdie, Growleth and Merlin, who are also family, just not of the human species. Is “human” considered a species? Genus? You know what I mean— however you want to classify humans versus non humans. Lauren, David, Ryan, Buddy, Birdie, Growleth and Merlin are all family regardless of whether they walk on two legs or four legs, have tails or are tail-less. So, let’s move on.

Besides, I’ve had hives in the past that were really bad, too, and there was nary a dog or cat in sight. However, there was a warm southerly breeze blowing when I’ve had hives in the past, just like there was yesterday when I broke out so badly. And I think therein lies the real problem. When it’s been raining outside and then we have a warm, southerly breeze that blows in and the air is humid as all get out (again, looking for really great metaphors or similes, peeps), I feel like I’m walking around in an acid bath; hives flair, plus I can’t breathe and my lungs close up. When there is no rain but there is air blowing in from the south, at least I can usually breathe, but my hives are still going to flair with…dramatic flair.



So, I’ve already sort of been through this once before many years ago — and all I know is that what I’m about to embark upon will probably be expensive with a capital $.  That is why I try to avoid specialists. However, it’s that time of the year again when one is forced to pry open one’s hoo-ha (sorry, that’s wrong. It’s not the right time of the year for that!) Let’s try this again, It’s that time of the year when one is forced to pry open one’s piggy bank — okay, who’s kidding who — the piggy bank is getting smashed so I can empty all pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters to pay all kinds of doctors doing all sorts of tests before the end of the year.


Then I’m getting smashed in a different way with my good buddy, Jack.


(Dear Santa, please bring me a new piggy bank full of $500 bills!)


So, anyway, as we count down to this Thanksgiving holiday, I just want y’all to know that I’m truly thankful for the doctors and the technology that allows me to actually be alive. Thank you for Benedryl, even if it only barely helps and will probably give me dementia in later life. Again, I’m glad and thankful that we don’t live in Nazi Germany and that at present we have a roof over our heads, food for our bellies, education, medicine, jobs and each other. In the scheme of things, that’s so damn much. I may be money poor, but I feel like royalty…or at least a diva. And that’s something, y’all.



Hope all of my readers and their loved ones have a safe, happy, and itch-free Thanksgiving!

Eat, drink and watch out for the salmonella in the turkey! (We’re having ham sandwiches on Rye and potato soup this year! Yum!)

Catch y’all on the flipside!


PS — Okay, y’all, not gonna lie — you know how I’ll write something and then it will make me think of a song? Well, this is the one that came to mind. That’s right — Funkier Than a Mosquito’s Tweeter performed by Ike & Tina Turner. Speaking of flipsides, I think this was the B-Side on the Proud Mary 45. All I know is that we heard this at home growing up. And now I’m sharing it with y’all. You’re welcome. By the way, if no one has a good simile or metaphor for me, this may prove to be the name of my post.


11/29/18 Update

PPS ~ Hey everyone, Sarah Silvey from Fresh Hell, came up with a great title for this post and I just want to thank you all for helping me out while I continue to have Benedryl brain. I truly am running on…not much. I promise I will be back. Just got to get rid of this maddening itch first. Hope you all continue to do well and prosper. Have a magical holiday season if I don’t get back to you before then. Hopefully, it won’t take that long. I’m just taking one day at a time right now. Watching a lot of TV, taking lots of anti-itch pills and cremes and sleeping. It’s not fun.  Mona

18 thoughts on “Itchier Than Sparkles in the Asscrack (Thank You, Sarah Silvey – not that Sarah gave me Sparkles in My Asscrack – She just came up with this title – which begs the question: Sarah, how many times have you had sparkles in your asscrack?)”

  1. Poor thing! I’ve had the rare bout of hives, but full-body only happened once, when my therapist wanted me to talk about a particular part of my childhood, and my body was all ‘FUCK NO’ and suddenly I was covered in welts. Hmm, let’s see, I was … itching like … wait, what the hell did Elvis mean by “itching like a man on a fuzzy tree?” I don’t even. No, I was itching like … a naked man in a pool full of hamster shavings? Nah. Okay, somebody else has to take this one. I got nothin’. But I hope it eases up for a few days, at least!

    • Lille,
      You know, I’ve thought about stress as being a potential contributing factor, but usually stress causes my back to go out! Hmm. May be time to go see a shrink again. And thanks for coming up with something better than “like there’s no tomorrow.” Have an awesome Turkey Week ahead
      Going out to look for Thomas’s cranberry muffins!

  2. That sounds perfectly awful. I can’t imagine itching for that long… or that badly. And I caught chicken pox at 48 years old. Oh, yeah. Good times.
    As for an “itchy as….” phrase, I’m drawing a humor blank as well.
    And when I looked it up on the Google?
    They said “I itch like Miley Cyrus’s crotch” which seems a bit harsh.

    • River,
      Miley Cyrus’s crotch? I don’t know why, but that makes me giggle! BTW, while the itching is awful, the cocktail of meds I’m taking does seem to help and the Benedryl does a good job of knocking me out — so it’s not 24 hours a day of hell. We’ll call it patches of hell on a daily basis! Anyway, reading your daily posts are nice distractions as I live vicariously through your travels and those amazing photos you take! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mona

  3. I’ve got my allergies mostly under control all year long…so I feel for ya’ friend. They used to drive me crazy back before my doctors and I found the perfect routine to keep me from wanting to jump off an overpass. Godspeed!

    • Allen,
      I’ve always been told that allergies in Texas is expected — live here long enough and you’ll get them. Hell, I’m a lifelong Texas girl! You’d think I would have developed some kind of immunity by now! Instead, it’s getting worse! What’s up with that, evolution????? Glad to hear yours are under control! Any special juju you use that you can pass along to help a sistah out? 😁

      • See, I’m a native Iowan, so I think moving to Texas when I was young kicked my ass. LOL But, I take this teensy tiny allergy pill once a day (10mg Loratadine/Claritin), 2 squirts of Fluticasone Propionate up the nose each day, and 10,000 IU’s of Vitamin D3 a day when I get up. This is all under my doctor’s supervision, so don’t try this at home, folks. Gotta be careful with vitamin D3 toxicity–so talk to your physician about whether or not this is right for you! Anyhoozles, I might have a bad allergy issue twice a year, beginning of spring and fall, usually, but otherwise, I’m good for the rest of the year.

  4. Kat, Will do! Funny thing, you had a fight with Jack while Jack helped me out tremendously when my back went out! Instead of laying me out on the floor, actually helped me to get up off it! 😉

  5. Oh no! I hope you’re better! I hate to hear that you’re itching like sparkles in the asscrack… like a junkie coming down… like motherfucking HIVES!!! Like a tick in a cranny, I like that one… glgh. Meaning I hate it. I’m a little worried that you might use one of these! Here’s hoping you have better taste than to do so.
    I think the best solution for being allergic to your family is to enforce total baldness at all times. Be really strict about it. You’ll still be allergic to them but at least you won’t be choking on their hair in your food all the time. The hairy bastards. Baldness is hygiene. Alopecia is love.
    Um, I haven’t written in a while and am a little startled by the weird shit I’m saying. Get better, and forgive me if necessary!

  6. Sarah,
    Thanks for helping this itchy bitch, out! Meaning, I’m using one of your metaphors and giving you credit! Besides, they made me giggle! I’ve become a hardcore Benedryl addict, which means my brain ain’t working so well right now, but better that than going completely mad with the itching. Maybe that’s why I’m seriously entertaining your idea of shaving the entire family, including the animals. Much love and peace to you my friend. I will eventually be back and will try to catch up. Until then…

    • Oh dear! Bahaha! At least you made sure to blame me!
      You really want to know how many times I’ve had sparkles in my asscrack? Hm… that’s something I have never counted before.
      My sister has a sparkle addiction so I’ve had sparkles in my asscrack numerous times, but I think you’re wondering how often I’ve had sparkles in my asscrack to the extent of getting itchy? To the point of itchiness, I’m going to say…. six. What a difficult question!
      I’m sorry you’re losing your sanity from the itching and the Benadryl. Definitely shave the family, if it helps.
      Please get better! Are you better yet?? <3

      • Oh my dear Sarah, I don’t blame you — I thank you! I love this title! Talk about wayward sparkles! Ha! Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get that visual out of my head. Alas, I’ve been voted down for shaving the family, which is too bad, really, because that’s another interesting visual. Maybe I have just gone mad. Anyway, a hairless/furless family would have made for interesting conversations. Still on Benedryl. Still have Benedryl brain. I have been to the allergist and they want to try me on shots. That’s a whole different blog post though. Waiting from the insurance company for approval. Expensive shots. I’m doing my best to get better. Not there yet, but looking forward to it. Thanks, Sarah, for your encouragement and support through these itchy times. Mona

  7. The only time I’ve had that much itching is with measles when I was a kid. I remember being told not to scratch again and again. It may be a false memory but I think mom made up a concoction with honey as itch relief. If it’s not true I have no idea where it comes from. I hope you have itch relief by now.

    • I know I had German measles (have no clue what those are) and I’ve had chicken pox — both when I was a young child. However, I have no memory of either (Thank God!) I’m hoping that my brain’s sense of protectiveness causes me to forget having this bad case of the hives as well! Since I wrote this post, I have had a “sample” of shots (I’m writing this response to your post on 1/1/19) and I’m supposed to go back on the 4th (Friday) and get a second dose of Xolair. I’ll be calling the allergist’s office tomorrow to make sure that insurance will cover this! All I can say about the first dose is that it didn’t kick in right away, but it also didn’t try to kill me with anaphylaxis, either. So, I was initially disappointed; however, a couple of days later, I woke up without hives and, most importantly, without itching. Over this last week and a half, I have had a few bouts of mild hives (not of long duration and not as bad, itching-wise.) So I have had significant relief, but not enough that I feel like its gone for good. I’m hoping that the second dose also doesn’t try and kill me but that it does give me that additional booster of relief so that my life can return to what I consider “normal” anyway. The thing is, in order for the Xolair to work, I have to continue taking it long-term. So that really sucks! Again, though, I’m glad there are meds out there that actually work and will give me back quality of life! Mona


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