Touch and Go

I haven’t exactly been holding my breath, but I’ve been waiting to see if anything happens.

It’s been a little more than a week ago, a week from Sunday, actually, when the incident took place. I’ve got about another half week to go to find out if I’m in the clear or not.

I was in the bread aisle of our grocery store, a store who decided it would be a good idea to change up its entire lay out during the middle of a pandemic. So instead of people being able to get what they want because they know where it is and then LEAVE, everyone is searching high and low for what they need and muttering and cursing under their masks. Well, some of us were. Those of us who were wearing masks were.

The thing is, everyone was cursing. Those without masks were just cursing into the air — with passion. Yep, letting it all out into the public air during a pandemic. So not cool, people.

The bread aisle is also now the ethnic food aisle because — why the hell not?

Anyway, I was looking for black beans, so technically I was on the ethnic food aisle. Goya black beans, to go with the fajitas I was going to make later in the week, but I didn’t see Goya. I saw names on cans that I neither recognized nor knew how to pronounce, but hey, no biggie. The thing was I had choices. And because I had so many choices, I was using my powers of mental telepathy to let the cans decide which one I would pick. Because in this day and age, I’m going to pick up one can of beans and that’s it. There will be no picking up two cans of beans and comparing them. I try to touch as few things as possible.

I just want you to know that if you’re going to use mental telepathy to pick out a can of beans, for some of us who have very weak powers of telepathy, this takes time. Taking time in a busy grocery store is never the way to go. Matter of fact, if I had the ability to freeze time so I could figure out which can of beans to get, this would have been that moment. Unfortunately, if that were the case, time would probably still be as frozen as the peas I’ve had in my freezer since 1999. But so it goes.

So let me back up a minute. Okay?

I don’t want you to think that I usually go to the grocery store during the middle of the day on Sundays because I don’t. Why is that, you ask? Excellent question. The answer is that I like to go to the grocery store early in the morning, like at 6:30 AM when they first open and there’s not a bunch of people and I increase my chances of living through this pandemic. Unfortunately, my grocery run was over a week late when my husband announced early Sunday morning that he was finally ready to go.

Well, shit.

I needed white wine and you can’t get wine at the grocery store until after 12 0’clock on Sundays. Only on Sundays. Apparently, our grocery store won’t accept the argument and FACT that it’s FIVE O’CLOCK SOMEWHERE, when it’s not five o’clock at their location; ergo, you’re not buying alcohol until after noon.

So now I’m at the grocery store after midday on a Sunday (the worst day and time to buy groceries), trying to figure out what can of freakin’ beans to get and there are people EVERYWHERE! They’re not social distancing. I’m social distancing, but they’re not. Even so, most of us are wearing masks. It’s the damned kids — you know, the millennials? They’re the ones not wearing masks. Stupid, damned healthy, young millennials! Not all of them, but the ones I’m talking about? They know who they are!

Could it be that they’re trying to kill off us older-ish people on purpose?

So I’m just about to reach for the can of beans I’d finally decided on, when this one woman, mid 20’s, tries to zoom by me. “Try” is the key word here. Because she smacked into my entire right hand side (shoulder, arm, hip — all the right hand parts) as she zipped past and SHE KEEPS GOING!

“SORRY,” this maskless wonder yells back smiling at me before disappearing into the masses.

“You bet your ass, you’re sorry,” I muttered under my mask.

Let the worry begin.

I mean I can tell she’s an extrovert, right? I have nothing against extroverts. I’ve been known to be extroverted now and again. But she’s a true extrovert. You know the kind I mean. They’re the ones who get around and socialize and laugh out loud, joyfully. All. the. time. Without masks. They can’t help themselves.

IT’S A PANDEMIC PEOPLE! USE YOUR DAMNED MASKS! And for Pete’s sake, stop laughing. There’s nothing funny going on right now!

All I can think about since is — she touched me. She touched my entire right hand side without a mask on. I’m going to get coronavirus and die because I have underlying health shit going on and I could stand to lose a few dozen pounds and let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m just what coronavirus is looking for.

So, we’ll see. The clock’s ticking but it moves damned slow when it wants to.

I got home and immediately spritzed myself with Lysol like a disinfectant whore readying herself for a favorite client. Then I burned my clothes and showered and showered some more. Okay, maybe I didn’t burn my clothes. But I wanted to. Damn my weak telepathic powers. This would have happened if they had been stronger.

I guess that if there’s a silver lining to any of this, my death may be ironic. Y’all know I love irony, right? I live for irony. So, perhaps, as careful as I’ve been — not going anywhere except the grocery store once in a blue moon and in the wee early morning hours at that, the fact that I social distance and wash my hands and don’t touch my face and I wear a mask out in public and I do everything in my power to keep from getting this stupid virus, I may have it yet. I may actually die from irony. If I’m gonna go, this does seem like a fitting demise.

I’ve always said that God has a helluva wicked sense of humor. 

Silly me, to think it would be okay to take one little chance so I could get a bottle of wine. And it was for cooking! Okay, for drinking, too, but I don’t even drink that much!

So now I have to ask myself, was the wine worth dying for?

Let me drink on that and I’ll get back to you.

Until then,



TTFN (hopefully),


39 thoughts on “Touch and Go”

  1. Yeah, wine is always worth it. Maybe not actually dying for, but the next best thing (after Xanax). Great selection of music too. There are still some Counties in Florida where you can’t buy liquor on Sunday at all – forget afternoon – Not. At. All. What are you supposed to do to get over your Saturday night? I guess you’re supposed to plan ahead – pandemic or not. Now that’s something I’d over-buy and hoard. Let us know how your count-down turns out!

    • Barbara,
      I know, right? Planning ahead. Hoarding wine. That just doesn’t seem to work out in this house! Hopefully, if all goes well, I’ll be celebrating (with more wine, perhaps?) next week. If not, I’ll be taking whatever it is they give people these days to combat Covid-19. Stay safe, my friend! Mona

    • OMG is your husband O.K.? Please don’t say that this stupid virus finally got to someone I’m (6 degrees of separation) connected to!

      • Hey Barbara (btw, do you prefer Barbara or Barb or something else?),
        Right now David seems to be okay. They released him from the ER and he’s taking it easy at home. It’s not the virus. However, we’re not sure what happened. I was going to write a different blog post for tomorrow (tomorrow’s Friday, right?) However, I think I’ll probably write about David instead. The important thing is that he’s fine and it’s not Covid. Thanks for caring, my friend! Mona

        • Barbara’s good – Barb (I got that one in 4th grade when there were 4 Barbara’s in my 30
          student class. Since I was the oldest of the 4, I should have gotten first choice, but what can you do)? For some reason, in my later teens, my Dad started calling me Beep. Don’t ask. Looking forward to hearing some good news on your husband’s health front!

  2. Today is the 93rd day Dad and I have been staying home. The main reason I won’t go out is that my Dad lives with me (you probably remember that from my blog) and he’s 83 years old; very high risk. I may be high risk, too, because I’m not a spring chicken anymore myself. Another reason I won’t go out is that, from what I hear, very few people are wearing masks. I live in rural SW Missouri. Very few cases here; only 3 positive cases in the town I usually go to shop so people aren’t taking it seriously. They won’t wear a mask, mostly because our “fearless leader” won’t wear a mask and I live in a red state. Go figure. Anyway, I’m sick to death of staying home but glad that I can. They even set up Walmart and the grocery store with one-way aisles and 6 ft. markers so people could social distance. Do they? Not from what I’m hearing. I’m afraid that if what happened to you happened to me, I’d have to chase that Millenial down and beat her with that can! Lol. Just kidding! Maybe…

    As for the alcohol sales weirdness… When we first moved here there was no liquor sold anywhere on Sundays AT ALL. After a few years, they changed it to only after 1 pm on Sundays. It’s just stupid if you ask me. People can just go to the liquor store the day before and stock up for Sunday. Or they could just jump across the state border and buy alcohol there, for goodness sakes. It’s been changed since. Now there are no Sunday restrictions at all but you can’t buy alcohol in grocery stores, ever.

    I hope you don’t get the virus from that Millenial, my friend. If you ask me, those Millenials ARE the virus! Snort!

    • Deb,
      I’d pay good money to see you chase down a millennial or two! In Texas, they used to be called Blue Laws. Blue laws had to do with what you could and could not buy on a Sunday. So you couldn’t buy alcohol at all. You could buy food, but you couldn’t buy a skillet to cook the food in. Most of that got thrown out a long time ago. Today, we see remnants of that because you still can’t buy alcohol until after 12:00 on a Sunday. I agree, it’s all absurd. I’m glad that you and your dad are staying safe! Hopefully, this will be over sooner than later. I know, wishful thinking. *sigh* Mona

  3. I take back what I said about not being able to buy alcohol in grocery stores. You CAN, but in my county and nearby counties, they don’t. Just because, I guess… Lol.

  4. Mona,
    Here’s me being confident (and most likely correct) that your brush-with-thoughtless-millennial will NOT bring about the dreaded virus, much as it (already clearly has and) will unfortunately continue to bring about stress and worry (because we worriers needed something else to worry about?). I spent four weeks going back and forth to my mom’s at the start of this thing (when she inconveniently broke her back, talk about bad timing), worrying practically every moment that, supremely careful as I was being, IT WOULD FIND ME. It didn’t. Not yet. And she, at 85, is still fine. No saying what tomorrow brings of course because people are getting sick of this and also careless. But chances are very good that you will be okay, that you will get through this unscathed, that you will still be entertaining me years from now. Hang in there, my friend!

    • Patricia,
      How is your mom? Is she okay, now? I hope you’re right about me just being a worrywart. Stay safe, my friend! Mona

  5. I totally get your Sunday store run, because I do the same thing. Unless there’s something keeping me from doing so. But I buy white wine on the weekdays because that’s when I know I can just stop by the Albertson’s after 6pm and it not be crowded with too many people. AND they have a special on wine on Tuesdays, so how can I pass that up?
    I also understand your beef with the millennial’s too, mofos. They haven’t thought this through if they want to kill off the older generations. They can’t do shit without their phones, they wouldn’t last five years without the Gen-Xers and other generations. They’d kill themselves off if they couldn’t order food via Uber or Lyft……lol.
    The other day I heard a “youngin” tell her older brother “Okay boomer” and her parent’s were with her and she turned to my youngest son and said “Right?” My son said to her “Do you know what a Boomer is? Because your brother is probably only four years older than you. If your going to use that phrase maybe you should learn why it came about and how to use it.” And her brother looked at my son, said “Right?” and started laughing. I’m telling you, they wouldn’t survive without the older generations.

    • Huntress,
      Boomer, huh? That’s funny! Actually my daughter and I were talking about this newest generation who are younger than the millennials. Not sure what they’re called just yet. Maybe the tik-tok generation? Shudder! Mona

  6. The irresponsibility of some people during this pandemic constantly astounds me. It’s not like we’re asking for their first born child… just wear a damn mask then everyone is protected. I hate that public health safety has become partisan and political. It’s a dangerous way to live.
    My fingers, toes, and eyes are crossed you escaped that idiot woman’s germs…. but in answer to your question – drinking can be worth dying for, but only with quality alcohol. A $7 bottle of grocery store wine? Probably not… so let’s hope you’re in the clear!

    • Thanks, River! I think you’ve summed up both of our sentiments very well! Just to clarify, though, what quality alcohol would you consider worth dying for? (Asking for my daughter!) And the wine I bought was like $11.99-ish. It was a large bottle though. 🙂 Mona

  7. Dear Friend ,
    You need to go take a chill pill. LOL The only thing I have to say is stop blocking the food aisle . Who said “ the only thing you have to fear is fear itself” ?
    Read Psalm 91 slowly, then read it again .

    • Hey Jan,
      Sooo, you got any of those chill pills for sale? (Asking for someone else.) I think that was FDR, but I could be wrong. Also, I’ll read Psalm 91. Twice, even. Thanks for your input, my friend! I miss you.

  8. Loved the column and really loved the music. I so agree with you. I too am a member of the older set and think the younger ones are being so irresponsible. I think wearing a mask is keeping me out of jail because I can get away with my true feelings when someone gets within inches of me. What are they thinking? Our county is still locked down – gradually opening up.

  9. Kathy,
    I think that’s the first time anyone has ever said, “I think wearing a mask is keeping me out of jail.” Ha! Glad this resonated with you! Thanks for stopping in and hope hear from you again, soon! Mona

  10. Different places, different covidiots. I live near a tourist town in Idaho, a red state where many locals still think the virus is a hoax and wearing a mask somehow “weak” and unpatriotic. So grocery shopping is fraught, and because almost all of the tourists – of all ages – aren’t wearing masks, adding to the increased risk of the local covidiots, I shop weekday mornings whenever possible. It’s amazing how efficient I am at grocery shopping now! In, and out, fast.

    Wine is getting me through these challenges, so yeah, I totally understand that risk/benefit analysis. In my case, it’s red, cheap, and comes in a box.

    As some wit said: Common sense is like deodorant: the people who need it most never use it.

    • Rebecca,
      I loved the analogy you used! That is so true. Wine is getting a lot of people through these times. A sense of humor too! And masks, let us not forget those! Mona

  11. Honestly, I would have thrown something at her. I don’t like being touched even under the best circumstances. I don’t even like my family touching me (I think I’ve hugged my mom–my MOM–maybe twice in the last year). If some fool plowed into me in the grocery store, they would suffer for it. Oh. They. Would. Suffer.

    Also, I did not know there were still places that had dry times for alcohol (I have also never tried to buy alcohol before noon on a Sunday). What if you’re making bananas foster for post-church brunch and you’re out of rum? You’re just gonna deny Jesus his flaming bananas and ice cream? I think not.

    • Hey Adie,
      Sorry it took so long to reply back. I was actually in the middle of replying to you when we had a medical emergency at our house. Everyone is fine now. I hope. Anyway, it’s been a rough day but I’m ready at 5 PM to re-start. So where was I? Ah yes, as I was writing ~
      If Jesus plans on having bananas foster in Texas on Sunday before noon and he’s run out of rum, he’s going to have to perform a miracle to get it. (I think I was actually in the middle of typing that about Jesus, when my husband passed out in the kitchen.) I hope the one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other! Anyway, I love you lots,

  12. Not being able to buy wine until after noon on a Sunday is ridiculous. But then I live in a state that, until a few years ago, was even more ridiculous with its alcohol laws. You couldn’t buy wine in grocery stores here on any day. Grocery stores could only sell beer, and not “high gravity” beer–just the weak stuff. And also cider, I think, but it couldn’t be high gravity cider, if there is such a thing. There must be. If you can imagine it somebody’s selling it.
    You could only buy wine in liquor stores but liquor stores weren’t allowed to sell anything but wine and hooch so you could buy wine in one but not a corkscrew, or even a DVD of Turner & Hooch.
    Then they changed the law so grocery stores could sell wine but not on Sundays. At all.
    Now you can buy it after noon on Sundays, although the real benefit of the change is that liquor stores can now sell food and sundries so they’re “essential businesses” that didn’t get shut down, not even on Sundays, so if you want to avoid the crowded grocery store you can go to the liquor store and pick up some wine and perhaps a lesser known Tom Hanks film.
    I think the point I was trying to make here is that Sunday brunch happens before noon and what would it be without mimosas?

    • Hey Christopher,
      What would life be without mimosas or bananas foster? It would be downright miserable, that’s what! Glad that liquor stores are now considered “essential businesses”…because of course they are!!!!! Our country can now breathe a big sigh of relief (as long as it’s under your masks, people!) What in the heck is “high gravity” beer? Do you float after you drink it or something? Or does it float? Mona

      • Oh, high gravity beer is beer with unusually high alcohol. I think locally it’s defined as any beer with alcohol over 5%, although I’ve read that someone brewed beer that was 57% alcohol.
        At that point I’m not sure you can call it “beer” anymore, but rather “paint thinner”.

        • Christopher,
          57%?!!!!! That’s a little over 5%. Wow. Paint thinner, indeed! I may be part cavewoman for saying this, but give me a Miller Lite and I’m good. 🙂

  13. Death from irony. If you gotta go, that’s not a bad way. Our grocery used to have to abide by a law that said no alcoholic beverages sold before noon on Sunday. THEN some county commissioner figured out how much tax revenue was not going into their coffers because of this law. Miracle of miracles the law was repelled and we’re free to purchase the devil’s drink on Sunday mornings.

  14. Hey Ally,
    Glad you think so, too. I think it takes a little longer for our legislative body to figure these things out. They’ll eventually get there. *waits patiently* 🙄

  15. Hi, Mona. I stopped by to welcome you to annieasksyou and to thank you for your likes. But between the irony and the catastrophizing, I sense a kindred spirit, so I’m your newest sparkler. (Did you have those when you were a kid? They were these sappy little sticks that were faux fireworks.) But I digress. Between your COVID collision and your David convulsion, you’ve had one helluva time. I’m glad your husband’s fine, and I’m sure you will be too. But I empathize, big time!

    • Hey Annie,
      Welcome to Wayward Sparkles! You know, I really enjoyed your post about the dogs that are taught to smell coronavirus. Would you mind if I give a shout out to you and that particular post in one of my upcoming posts? BTW, I loved sparklers when I was a kid! Gosh, I wouldn’t even know where to get them now. I like that — a sparkler. I usually just call the tribe my Wayward Friends, but I like sparkler/s, too! We have had a few moments…okay, several moments, this past week. More intense than usual, but…now you know why I call this Wayward Sparkles. Thanks so much for your support and glad to have you on board. Mona

  16. First of all, that song, “Don’t Stand So Close” has essentially become my theme song during this pandemic. Even on a good day, I’m not opposed to people maintaining their physical distance from me.

    And secondly, “spritzed myself with Lysol like a disinfectant whore”… lmao! Quite possibly the most brilliant use of pandemic-related imagery right there! 😛 😛

    • QG,
      So I was going to ask you if you happen to know where I might get another can or two of Lysol spray, but then I realized you or others might misinterpret my question — suggesting you were something that clearly you are not. Jett would be horrified! So, I’ll just say thank you, my friend, and try to stay out of hot water. Also, really, seriously, I’m almost out. If you know, you’d be doing me a solid! Mona


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