The Magic Word


It was hot and humid outside before Lauren and I left the house to go and visit Dad (her grandpa.)

Lauren said, “I think I’ll grab a coke to take with me.”

I said, “That’s a great idea. Would you grab one for me, too?”

Lauren: “Grab one for you, too…and?” she prompted.

Me: I frowned at her. “AND?” I repeated. “And what?”

Lauren: “Grab you one, too…AND…what’s the magic word? Come on. You know this,” she encouraged.

Me: Obstinate at this point and way ahead of her I said, “Oh, really? We’re going to do this? So, let me get this straight, Lauren, YOU would like to grab a coke, one of MY cokes out of MY refrigerator… AND?

Lauren: bursting out laughing —

Me: What’s that magic word, again,” I asked, crossing my arms.

Lauren: “Okay. I see how this is going to play out. We’re both going to sit here and die before the other one says the magic word. Right?”

Me: “Not me. I’m off to see your grandpa. You coming? And you know this conversation is going on my blog, right?”


Ah, Lauren, my little shit whom I love so much! She’s at an age where she clearly needs a child she can teach to mind their p’s and q’s.

Until that happens, I guess I’m it. Lauren has no one else to “mother” who can actually talk back to her with words. While her dog and cat four-footed, fur children, Iggy Bean and Millie Cat, are smart and the best; sadly, the Ig Dog can’t say please or thank you even if she wanted nothing more in the world than to do this; although, she is the cutest grand doggy one could ever ask for. And Millie, while quite vocal, would never consider saying please or thank you because, you know…she’s a cat.

So a child, Lauren! I think this is where this conversation is going. I believe you want a human child of your own along with, perhaps, a life partner/ husband/ whoever. Or, alternatively, a child, alone, because at this point, I don’t care whether you’re married or not.


Apparently, studies show that married, heterosexual women don’t live as long as single, heterosexual women. (BTW, I don’t have access to these studies nor have I read them with my own eyes; but I read about this on someone else’s blog, so that’s gotta count for something; although, I can’t remember who. Anyway, I’m inclined to believe this and thought I’d share.) So, Lauren, I’m not encouraging you to get married when studies don’t support this as good for your long-term health. Which isn’t to say that if you were to get married, I’d object. Because I probably wouldn’t. Unless he wasn’t good enough for you. But no pressure. It’s totally up to you!

What I do know is that you’re a grown-assed woman, making good money, who, also, apparently, feels the need to mother…ME!!!! YOUR OWN MOTHER AS IF I WERE A CHILD! AAACCKKK!!

What you did is not weird AT. ALL. LAUREN! 😱


So if the magic word gets me anything, I’d prefer a grandbaby — a wondrous, beautiful human child for my daughter to mother and for me to spoil with all sorts of good, grandmotherly sparkles and love.



So Lauren’s informed me that the reason for our conversation above was not, in fact, because she is a sad, lonely woman desperate for a baby; but, instead, thinks I might be a sad, lonely woman in need of a new grandbaby. Lauren said she was just being annoying — the end — and I shouldn’t read anything else into it.  Fair enough.



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So the next four songs kind of tell a tale all by themselves. First we have “All By Myself” because someone’s a card-carrying member of “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Then there’s “Go All the Way” because that’s kind of what you have to do if you want…babies. Lastly, we have to teach those little rug rats their manners. So why not do this with a Panda Party song! Enjoy!



and, lastly



22 thoughts on “The Magic Word”

    • Barbara,
      Never! I plan on living with my as-yet-to-be-conceived grandchild when that time comes! Ha! Mona

  1. I hate it when our kids try to head-shrink us. I mean seriously, wtf?
    I go through this all the time with my kids, okay it’s mostly because they have potty mouths. In private when it’s just us, I’m okay with it it’s all in fun. But in public that’s another story entirely. I tell them to use their public persona, which includes not using profanity. Then they start cussing up a storm. Then I get into it and say things like “Do you kiss your mom with that fucking mouth?” Which gets a response of……”All the fucking time mom.” Kids, what can you do, right?

    • Sherry,
      It’s probably good that Lauren doesn’t have a blog of her own. Otherwise, we’d be arguing, “You know this is going on my blog, right?” “No, it’s going on my blog.” “No, it’s going on my blog.” Hehehe! Mona

  2. It’s surprising that married heterosexual women die younger than single ones. After all it was Henny Youngman who said “Why do most men die before their wives? Because they want to.”
    And Rita Rudner said “My dog isn’t a child substitute. At least that’s what his pediatrician says.”
    There’s a point here even if I don’t know what it is, but you should always say “please” and “thank you” to strangers and there’s no one stranger than family.

    • Christopher,
      Wow, good luck with getting away with that Youngman joke today! And I agree, it’s probably a close call, but indeed, there’s no one stranger than family! Mona

  3. Mona,
    FYI. As you grow older you become the child and your daughter the parent. It does not matter if she has a child or not. Do not talk back or disagree LOL. She may be taking care of you one day Be nice !

    • Hey LA,
      So you baby your parents…but do you correct them…as in reminding them to say please and thank you? Has your daughter started doing this to you? It’s a very weird experience. 🙂 Mona

  4. I have not yet had the dubious pleasure of being parented by my daughters—perhaps because they don’t live nearby. You’re lucky (or maybe not) that Lauren is there.

    Note: There is a teensy weensy little box to click in order to comment. Let’s see if it’s powerful enough to launch this one.

    • Annie,
      Definitely lucky that Lauren’s close by for other reasons than to mother me, which I don’t need. She has her own apartment about 15 minutes away. Glad you had success with the teensy little box. WooHoo! Have you named your starter yet? 🙂 Mona

    • Suzanne,
      She is so right! That’s a wonderful magic word. Another magic word that I love to say — Alakazam! Watch me pull a rabb…never mind. 🙂 Mona 🙂


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