It was hot and humid outside before Lauren and I left the house to go and visit Dad (her grandpa.)
Lauren said, “I think I’ll grab a coke to take with me.”
I said, “That’s a great idea. Would you grab one for me, too?”
Lauren: “Grab one for you, too…and?” she prompted.
Me: I frowned at her. “AND?” I repeated. “And what?”
Lauren: “Grab you one, too…AND…what’s the magic word? Come on. You know this,” she encouraged.
Me: Obstinate at this point and way ahead of her I said, “Oh, really? We’re going to do this? So, let me get this straight, Lauren, YOU would like to grab a coke, one of MY cokes out of MY refrigerator… AND?”
Lauren: bursting out laughing —
Me: What’s that magic word, again,” I asked, crossing my arms.
Lauren: “Okay. I see how this is going to play out. We’re both going to sit here and die before the other one says the magic word. Right?”
Me: “Not me. I’m off to see your grandpa. You coming? And you know this conversation is going on my blog, right?”
WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS
Ah, Lauren, my little shit whom I love so much! She’s at an age where she clearly needs a child she can teach to mind their p’s and q’s.
Until that happens, I guess I’m it. Lauren has no one else to “mother” who can actually talk back to her with words. While her
dog and cat four-footed, fur children, Iggy Bean and Millie Cat, are smart and the best; sadly, the Ig Dog can’t say please or thank you even if she wanted nothing more in the world than to do this; although, she is the cutest grand doggy one could ever ask for. And Millie, while quite vocal, would never consider saying please or thank you because, you know…she’s a cat.
So a child, Lauren! I think this is where this conversation is going. I believe you want a human child of your own along with, perhaps, a life partner/ husband/ whoever. Or, alternatively, a child, alone, because at this point, I don’t care whether you’re married or not.
STUDIES TO CONSIDER
Apparently, studies show that married, heterosexual women don’t live as long as single, heterosexual women. (BTW, I don’t have access to these studies nor have I read them with my own eyes; but I read about this on someone else’s blog, so that’s gotta count for something; although, I can’t remember who. Anyway, I’m inclined to believe this and thought I’d share.) So, Lauren, I’m not encouraging you to get married when studies don’t support this as good for your long-term health. Which isn’t to say that if you were to get married, I’d object. Because I probably wouldn’t. Unless he wasn’t good enough for you. But no pressure. It’s totally up to you!
What I do know is that you’re a grown-assed woman, making good money, who, also, apparently, feels the need to mother…ME!!!! YOUR OWN MOTHER AS IF I WERE A CHILD! AAACCKKK!!
What you did is not weird AT. ALL. LAUREN! 😱
IF YOU PLEASE
So if the magic word gets me anything, I’d prefer a grandbaby — a wondrous, beautiful human child for my daughter to mother and for me to spoil with all sorts of good, grandmotherly sparkles and love.
SO, PLEASE, LAUREN! GO WITH GOD, AND BLESS US WITH A LOVELY CHILD OR CHILDREN IN WHATEVER WAY YOU SEE FIT…AS LONG AS IT’S LEGAL. YOU HAVE MY BLESSING (as if that matters), MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!
So Lauren’s informed me that the reason for our conversation above was not, in fact, because she is a sad, lonely woman desperate for a baby; but, instead, thinks I might be a sad, lonely woman in need of a new grandbaby. Lauren said she was just being annoying — the end — and I shouldn’t read anything else into it. Fair enough.
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So the next four songs kind of tell a tale all by themselves. First we have “All By Myself” because someone’s a card-carrying member of “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” Then there’s “Go All the Way” because that’s kind of what you have to do if you want…babies. Lastly, we have to teach those little rug rats their manners. So why not do this with a Panda Party song! Enjoy!