You know how all of a sudden when everything is falling all around you and the earth is shifting and the wind is blowing hard and the rain is coming down so fast that you can’t see a thing and so you throw your hands up over your head and kind of duck and squint out of one eye and hope that whatever is falling all around you doesn’t hit you too hard but you see bodies dropping and you know that in the next instant your body is going to be dropping too but you can’t really move because if you do, then for sure, for sure, you’re going to get hit hard so then you’re just trying to stand as still and as small as possible and eventually you realize the chaos around you has stopped and then you open your eyes to survey the carnage and you realize that you’re still standing — miraculously — still standing, but you don’t know why or how and that feels like nothing but trouble coming your way — and you realize at that moment that you probably would have been better off if you’d just fallen like the broken and battered around you?
Only not exactly that.
I’m not a big conspiracy theorist (maybe a medium-ish conspiracy theorist) but I do believe that the dog, the cats, my house and my body are all conspiring to kill me or at least hurt me really badly. And I think I know who is heading up this organized hit team.
AND IT’S BULLSHIT, MAN! BULLSHIT!
- Buddy the dog ninja, who I’m convinced has never been able to sneak up on anything in his entire life, snuck up on an unsuspecting Birdie (cat) who screamed bloody murder when she realized that this dog dared to touch her with his nose and so she jumped straight into the air and landed with razor blades out aka her claws and sliced through my arm in several places. Because, apparently, someone had to pay for this desecration of her being, and Birdie figured it might as well be my pound of flesh that was offered up.
Somehow, Birdie was able to get all of these different areas on my left arm all at once. Unbelievable.
- I was innocently sitting on my office chair when the damned thing just collapsed, causing me to collapse with it. It was like a rollercoaster ride unhinged. I ended up still in my seat, just not exactly where I was supposed to be; and I ended up on my back. David and Ryan had to bail me out of the demonic chair.
- My body has broken out in hives. Why? No one knows. It’s been going on for four weeks now. I’ve been to the doctor, to the ER (where they gave me a Benedryl drip and steroid, then an Epinephrine shot and finally sent me home because they couldn’t do anything else for me.) I ended up taking more Benedryl once I got home and I finally went to bed. Benedryl brain is about as fun as the hives.
Different pictures throughout the last four weeks showing my hives. At first they were just on my hands. Then they spread. Today, I only had two on my hands. Yay. Only two today.
- I was walking up to my office and I tripped and fell for no reason — literally, for one, less-than-graceful, uncoordinated moment, I was channeling both Jack and Jill. Not only that, but I was wearing a dress, which did not stay down — no, indeedy — as my right knee absorbed the weight of my entire being and my face and the carpet became intimate, my dress flew up above my waist exposing my purple underwear — yes, I sometimes wear purple underwear, fight me! — and the one, snotty little bitch in my office who I can barely tolerate — witnessed the whole damned thing. Snotty bitch already thinks I should be put out to pasture and is constantly asking me if I feel all right. “You don’t look so good, are you okay?” she’ll say to me in front of clients and colleagues alike. If I have to hear her tell me one more time that I need to get some rest or that I look stressed…ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Fuck her and her fucking comments. WHAT. THE. FUCK. KIND. OF. THERAPIST. TELLS. PEOPLE. THEY. DON’T. LOOK. SO. GOOD???!!!!! Would she look good if she’d been dealing with fucking hives for a full fucking month? I think not. Not that it’s any of her fucking business. And now I’m sure I’ll be hearing that same crap from her — amplified — because I suspect that my trip and fall did nothing more than strengthen her resolve to suggest to me in front of our colleagues that I’m nothing more than some derelict dinosaur who can’t even stand by itself without toppling over.
As I sit here and fume, though, I have to wonder if this hasn’t been all her. I mean, could she have used psychokinesis to cause me to trip? Because I suspect that underneath that cool, 20’s-something demeanor, lurks the heart of a true psycho, even though she’s trying to convince those who don’t really know her that she’s a sweet-tempered, “helpful” therapist; but I know better and, apparently, she’s proven herself crafty enough that she can use mind tricks to trip me while I’m walking down an ordinary hallway. Can you believe that she actually came up to me to see if I needed help when I fell? “Are you okay?” she asked in that way that she asks like she’s all concerned — mindful of the fact that others may be listening and watching her!!!!! FUCKING BITCH! YES, I’M OKAY! (Okay, I just said that in my mind — not out loud to her. I’m not crazy, y’all.) But the real question is: what was she doing there in the first place? Ah, ha! That’s what I thought! Nothing. She was doing nothing and she had no business being there at that very minute. I’m telling you — Evil. That. One. Don’t trust her.
Also, we are finding spiders and snakes IN. OUR. HOME!!!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK. I think she’s practicing the dark arts. Of course, it could just be that time of the year. OR SHE COULD BE PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS.
Anyway, I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ve never had such a deluge of weird shit happen to me over such a short period of time. Weird shit that has caused actual bodily harm. Okay, I might have, but if so, I don’t remember when. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. But just in case I’m not, I’m taking Advil and crawling back into bed where I’m going to try and stay as still and as small as possible because my whole body hurts right now and, clearly, something wicked this way comes.
Someone let me know when it’s safe to come back out.