Something Wicked…

You know how all of a sudden when everything is falling all around you and the earth is shifting and the wind is blowing hard and the rain is coming down so fast that you can’t see a thing and so you throw your hands up over your head and kind of duck and squint out of one eye and hope that whatever is falling all around you doesn’t hit you too hard but you see bodies dropping and you know that in the next instant your body is going to be dropping too but you can’t really move because if you do, then for sure, for sure, you’re going to get hit hard so then you’re just trying to stand as still and as small as possible and eventually you realize the chaos around you has stopped and then you open your eyes to survey the carnage and you realize that you’re still standing — miraculously — still standing, but you don’t know why or how and that feels like nothing but trouble coming your way — and you realize at that moment that you probably would have been better off if you’d just fallen like the broken and battered around you?

Yeah. That.

Only not exactly that.

I’m not a big conspiracy theorist (maybe a medium-ish conspiracy theorist) but I do believe that the dog, the cats, my house and my body are all conspiring to kill me or at least hurt me really badly. And I think I know who is heading up this organized hit team.

AND IT’S BULLSHIT, MAN! BULLSHIT!

Evidence:

  • Buddy the dog ninja, who I’m convinced has never been able to sneak up on anything in his entire life, snuck up on an unsuspecting Birdie (cat) who screamed bloody murder when she realized that this dog dared to touch her with his nose and so she jumped straight into the air and landed with razor blades out aka her claws and sliced through my arm in several places. Because, apparently, someone had to pay for this desecration of her being, and Birdie figured it might as well be my pound of flesh that was offered up.

                     

Somehow, Birdie was able to get all of these different areas on my left arm all at once. Unbelievable.

  •  I was innocently sitting on my office chair when the damned thing just collapsed, causing me to collapse with it. It was like a rollercoaster ride unhinged. I ended up still in my seat, just not exactly where I was supposed to be; and I ended up on my back. David and Ryan had to bail me out of the demonic chair.
Here are the remains of the chair after David and Ryan dragged its sorry ass out onto the driveway.
Here’s my bruised and battered shoulder area the next day.

                                       

 

  • My body has broken out in hives. Why? No one knows. It’s been going on for four weeks now. I’ve been to the doctor, to the ER (where they gave me a Benedryl drip and steroid, then an Epinephrine shot and finally sent me home because they couldn’t do anything else for me.) I ended up taking more Benedryl once I got home and I finally went to bed. Benedryl brain is about as fun as the hives.

 

Different pictures throughout the last four weeks showing my hives. At first they were just on my hands. Then they spread. Today, I only had two on my hands. Yay. Only two today.

  • I was walking up to my office and I tripped and fell for no reason — literally, for one, less-than-graceful, uncoordinated moment, I was channeling both Jack and Jill. Not only that, but I was wearing a dress, which did not stay down — no, indeedy — as my right knee absorbed the weight of my entire being and my face and the carpet became intimate, my dress flew up above my waist exposing my purple underwear — yes, I sometimes wear purple underwear, fight me! — and the one, snotty little bitch in my office who I can barely tolerate — witnessed the whole damned thing. Snotty bitch already thinks I should be put out to pasture and is constantly asking me if I feel all right. “You don’t look so good, are you okay?” she’ll say to me in front of clients and colleagues alike. If I have to hear her tell me one more time that I need to get some rest or that I look stressed…ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Fuck her and her fucking comments. WHAT. THE. FUCK. KIND. OF. THERAPIST. TELLS. PEOPLE. THEY. DON’T. LOOK. SO. GOOD???!!!!! Would she look good if she’d been dealing with fucking hives for a full fucking month? I think not. Not that it’s any of her fucking business. And now I’m sure I’ll be hearing that same crap from her — amplified — because I suspect that my trip and fall did nothing more than strengthen her resolve to suggest to me in front of our colleagues that I’m nothing more than some derelict dinosaur who can’t even stand by itself without toppling over.

As I sit here and fume, though, I have to wonder if this hasn’t been all her. I mean, could she have used psychokinesis to cause me to trip? Because I suspect that underneath that cool, 20’s-something demeanor, lurks the heart of a true psycho, even though she’s trying to convince those who don’t really know her that she’s a sweet-tempered, “helpful” therapist; but I know better and, apparently, she’s proven herself crafty enough that she can use mind tricks to trip me while I’m walking down an ordinary hallway. Can you believe that she actually came up to me to see if I needed help when I fell? “Are you okay?” she asked in that way that she asks like she’s all concerned — mindful of the fact that others may be listening and watching her!!!!! FUCKING BITCH! YES, I’M OKAY! (Okay, I just said that in my mind — not out loud to her. I’m not crazy, y’all.) But the real question is: what was she doing there in the first place? Ah, ha! That’s what I thought! Nothing. She was doing nothing and she had no business being there at that very minute. I’m telling you — Evil. That. One. Don’t trust her.

Also, we are finding spiders and snakes IN. OUR. HOME!!!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK. I think she’s practicing the dark arts. Of course, it could just be that time of the year. OR SHE COULD BE PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS.

That spider is hanging down in a short hallway that is usually kept dark. It is right at head level ready to attack its prey.

 

This is the first baby snake. We also caught a second baby snake. I didn’t get a picture of it. Where the hell did this come from? Could it be that dark arts were involved?

Anyway, I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ve never had such a deluge of weird shit happen to me over such a short period of time. Weird shit that has caused actual bodily harm. Okay, I might have, but if so, I don’t remember when. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. But just in case I’m not, I’m taking Advil and crawling back into bed where I’m going to try and stay as still and as small as possible because my whole body hurts right now and, clearly, something wicked this way comes.

Someone let me know when it’s safe to come back out.

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “Something Wicked…

  1. Next time the evil coworker says something like that in front of clients, customers, or coworkers, immediately look her dead in the eyes, smile (make sure teeth are showing) and say: “Why don’t we schedule a drink after work sometime so we can discuss our personal lives? Since we’re at work now, it’s probably not super professional to talk about our personal lives. Right?” I’ve done this to coworkers like that before. Never had another problem.

    • Allen T. St. Clair,
      What would I do without you? That is perfect. I will be doing exactly what you suggested and I bet she cuts that shit out! Thanks, Blog Buddy!
      Mona

  2. Holy crap! That’s too many didasters to be mere coincidence. There’s some seriously bad juju floating around you right now. Better Google the nearest witch doctor and sacrifice a goat before things get out of hand.
    Seriously though, very sorry for the injuries.. ouch! The hives? Strange they can’t figure out the cause. Hope they disappear soon.
    You take care!

    • IKR! I’ve got a shout out to Adie to see if there’s anything I can do that doesn’t require sacrificing any animals, etc. Maybe I should burn sage. I understand that’s supposed to do a lot of good stuff–not exactly sure what–but what could it hurt? Well, I’ll just wait for sage advice from Adie! How’s that! As to the hives — I’ve been told it can be caused by a lot of different things going on — from allergies to autoimmune stuff — which I refuse to even entertain. My PHP would like me to see an allergist. Of course, I’d like better insurance before I embark on that kind of journey. I have lousy insurance. Burning sage is sounding better and better — unless, of course, I’m allergic to it. Mona

  3. Giiiiirrrlllll! Continuing from your comment on my blog about crystals, I’m also going to recommend shungite (which is another protective stone that protects against electromagnetic energy) and bloodstone (which is an energizer–and it sounds like you could use some!–and is said to help purify the blood–don’t use it in place of antihistemines or your medical professional, but maybe it might also help with you hives).

    Also, re: your awful coworker, here is my actually-a-witch-magical-opinion on what you should do. Get a big piece of rose quartz, which promotes love and opens the heart–and I mean a BIG piece. Big as you can find. Take it into work with you. Go up to your coworker, stone in hand, and BASH HER OVER THE HEAD WITH IT HOLY SHIT WHAT A HORRIBLE SHREW!

    I hope you find an upswing soon, hun! Sounds like you need a break!

  4. The next time your coworker approaches you with that fake concern, hold up a giant crucifix and scream, ” The power of Christ compels you!” Then throw water in her face. It’s supposed to be holy water, but she doesn’t have to know that it isn’t. You *might* get hauled off to the padded room for this little stunt, but it could be worth the look on her face! LOL. On a side note, I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with so much misery. I hope you feel better soon!

  5. Kat,
    I like the way you’re thinking about this! Between fake holy water, showing my teeth and asking pointed questions, while bashing her in the head with rose quartz and invoking the power of Christ — yeah, I think that should take care of her. Thanks for having my back! As to padded rooms — well, as much as I’ve been landing on the floor lately, padded is definitely better than what I’ve currently got going!
    Mona
    🙂

  6. I also love the rose quartz idea! Crystals really are magic and useful incarnations of mother earth’s love or wrath.
    Here’s a thing. When you said the dog, the cats, the house and your body were all conspiring to kill you, I thought you mean that the CAT was organizing the hit team. Cats really are evil. Don’t discount them. Your coworker might just be a red herring.

    But just in case, and because somebody’s gotta burn, here are things you can do to her:

    – Burn the sage in HER office. When the smoke alarms and sprinklers go off, they’ll blame her. Maybe her paperwork will get drenched.
    – Next time she asks how you are, show her your hives. Insist that she touch them.
    – Tell her every day that she looks horrible.
    – Humanely capture all spiders and baby snakes, relocate them safely to a quiet place in her fridge lunch.
    – Swap her office chair with your own.
    – Steal her car and drive it into a liquor store in the middle of the night.
    – Ask her to pet/house sit. This might be enough punishment on it’s own, but if it isn’t, wait until she goes inside and blow your house up. This combines the two necessary elements of exorcism with witch burning.

    Get better! Stress out less! Take naps and eat chocolate! You are in my thoughts and incantations 😉 <3

    • Sarah,
      Holy shit, woman! You’re hardcore! Thanks for all of your wisdom. I really like the idea of eating chocolate and taking naps!And thanks for having my back! (Note to self — never get on the wrong side of Sarah!) 🙂

      • Uhm, Adie, since we are friends, I’m gonna go out on a limb and believe you’re talking to Sarah Silvey at Fresh Hell, maybe? GO CHECK OUT HER BLOG! Both of you are awesome! Or are you talking about someone else? Hell, I’m so confused right now; but who ever you’re talking to/about, everyone here is spectacularly awesome, so you can’t go wrong! Mona

  7. Holy shit, that’s just crazy. Reading your post I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but crap I can relate. I’ve broken out in rashes that are yet unexplained, I’ve torn a ligament in my thumb and lots of weird stuff has been happening here too. Yep, I can really sympathise with you. Hope things settle down for you Mona. By the way, I’ve got purple undies too, guess we’re both a bit scary and wicked. 😏

  8. Miriam,
    I’m so sorry you can relate to this post, my friend, and that weird shit has been happening to you too! The only thing I know to do is write and laugh about it — oh, and I’ve got in on good authority that getting some specific rocks can’t hurt. I already do a lot of praying! I’ll pray for you as well that things settle down for you and quit breaking and tearing and rashing…only, not sure that my prayers are held in any kind of favor at this moment. However, read Adie’s response above if you are in need of crystals or stones or rocks. Speaking of which, my guess is that you know how to rock those purple undies! And that’s definitely something! WooHoo! Okay, I don’t think that last bit about the purple undies came out the way I intended. Things just got awkward. Okay. I’ll just stop now. Hang in there, Miriam, things have got to get better sooner or later!
    Mona

  9. Okay, first you need to name your new pet spider… I suggest something like “Igor” or “Charlotte” for a name. Now it’s a pet and totally supposed to be there!
    The baby snakes were likely brought in by the cat. We had one that would bring in moles, garden snakes, mice, and release them unharmed in the middle of the living room as presents to her humans. Then again, we also had a cat that would catch the same creatures, murder them mercilessly and leave the “best” organs as gifts for us to find. UGH.

    The hives: have you changed anything like laundry detergents recently? As someone who has a bunch of weird and unusual allergies, that’s the first place I’d look.

    While I am sorry that your pets and coworker are trying to kill you, I did enjoy reading about your trials and tribulations.

    • Jeanie,
      I like the name Igor. So our new pet shall thusly be called as such. S/he has been safely relocated by the light on our front porch. Hunting’s better there and s/he’s out of the way! I think the hives are from something in the air. Maybe. I brought in a dog in July, so yeah, it’s plausible that one or more of the cats brought in snakes as revenge. Ick.

      But hey, welcome to my blog, Jeanie! Ooh, and sorry to hear you have weird and unusual allergies! I’m kind of curious now, but we just met, so I won’t pry. Yet. Also, itching is the worst! 😊 Mona

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