Throughout the week, I try and figure out what I’m going to write about next for the upcoming week on Wayward Sparkles. If I’m lucky, I find something…okay, there have been times when there was just…nuthin’…but most of the time, I have enough fodder to give me more than a couple of choices.
Then there are times when, I swear, it’s as though the Universe is conspiring against me (or too intensely for me) and there’s too much fodder to write about and I can barely keep up with it or, in some instances, I flat out can’t keep up with it because the craziness of any given situation at any given moment is coming in too hot and heavy — and it’s like I’m riding out a raging storm. I’m getting hammered and just when I think the storm’s about to let up, there’s another torrential downpour with thunder, lightning, hail, wind…the works…and there’s also a tornado warning, so I know there’s a tornado out there but I’m not sure if it’s heading my way. It’s way past time to batten down the hatches and I pray that the levee won’t break. Ha!
You are getting sleepy…
So this is what happens when the flood breaks through the dam…in my mind. My thoughts spew all over the page fast and furious as it did in my two journal entries below. I don’t expect you to read the 3,600 plus words I have written in these journal entries, which are in italics…please for the sake of your own sanity, don’t do that! It’s mind-numbing and all that that implies. I know this because I started reading this to my ADHD daughter and she turned into a zombie right before my eyes.
When Lauren eventually came out of her zombie reverie, she said she’s glad to know that she’s not the only one who has a brain that does this to them. She had no idea that my ADHD brain does this as well, so she learned something new about me, and I about her…and it’s all good…except the zombie part. Because as I read this out loud to Lauren (and I didn’t read it in its entirety), it was giving my daughter anxiety as well as a headache. I didn’t realize this was happening initially — but I glanced at her because she was so quiet — and as she stood there, I had to call out her name several times because she wasn’t responding and that’s when I knew she went into zombie mode. Or zone-out mode. Whatevs. Anyway, once she came back from the living dead, that’s when she told me how this was affecting her. So I stopped. And now you know and are warned.
Anyway, Lauren thought you, my Wayward Friends, could handle it if I put my journal entries out there…again, not to actually read them, but just so you could get a sense of how it all came gushing out.
I tried to write in the way it came out; hence, there’s few breaks. I will keep this in my back pocket, though, so I can mine it for fodder over the next several weeks. Even so, the intensity and holy shit moments in my life will relentlessly move forward…so, no doubt, some fodder will get bulldozed by more current absurdity — like more shit breaking down in our house. *sigh* And now that I wrote that, I’m also reminded that on Ally’s blog, I decided I was going to stay positive…at least for a full week, maybe longer…and utilize the Law of Attraction to bring good things into my life…and so I will say that everything in our home remains functioning and working and in pristine condition and we are blessed and we are happy, healthy, wealthy and wise!
One of my biggest frustrations is that out of all that fodder, I started a blog post about “the lie,” which I mention in my journal entry below. That story went well over 5,000 plus words (which is like reading this entire blog post, including my journal entries), and it quickly became clear that it couldn’t go on Wayward Sparkles and was going into my book instead because of the length, yes, but also because of the delicate nature of what I was writing and about whom I was writing. The thing about that story is — literally, I wrote “the lie” story within my mind dump…okay maybe I wrote more than one story there, actually… but for the sake of brevity, I cut “the lie” story out of the words that fell out of my head on the 15th — otherwise this post would be well over 10,000 words. You’re welcome!
That’s what’s been happening to me lately, though. Penny, my Muse, has me writing overtime…and often, I think that what I’m writing will go on my blog as a post, but then in hindsight, I realize it can’t because it’s too…long or delicate or raunchy or something else, which makes it perfect for the book but then that leaves me in a helluva quandary as to what will go on my blog for the upcoming week.
So for instance, there’s a story about Birdie (our cat) that I’m behind in writing by at least six weeks. I already know that, too, will go into my book instead of this blog because I decided it’s too gross for the blog…and then yesterday, Lauren and I were talking and I was reminded that I want to write about why I may have a touch of “second sight”…and quit laughing, y’all, because I hear you. Anyway, I’m even more convinced that I have a touch of prophetic intuition today after what happened yesterday; but that, too, will go into the book because that’s too…weird? Too much?
Well, it’s all too much, dah-lings! Much too much!
So this doesn’t help me with my blog posts — oh, I should add writing about the new pimento cheese David discovered at Sam’s…which now that it’s written here, I have…and that I might be able to share on my blog! I mean it’s…pimento cheese…how sideways could that go, right?
So does “mind dump” happen to you, as well? Is this not the weirdest way you’ve ever heard of writing a book — it’s too much for the blog, so into the book it goes and when you’ve amassed enough stories…your book’s written? Do you sometimes get too much inspiration all at the same time and then you become paralyzed about what to write because you don’t know quite where to start? Maybe that happens not with writing but in other areas of your life. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
When the Levee Breaks (you can skip this part, but there’s one last paragraph at the bottom, y’all!)
Sunday, August 15, 2021
This is the point where I kind of give up because there’s too much to do and so much to write about and I’m so overwhelmed and so if I just go veg out in the brown chair and watch whatever it is that David’s watching on TV (sports? news? another Chicago PD re-run?), maybe I can just forget all of this. Only that’s not going to happen because I don’t want to forget about all of this. I want to write it all down and get it all done because…because so many things. First of all, I want a clean, organized house and a full pantry and all of our laundry to be clean, folded and put away. On top of that, I want to reach out to loved ones (Dad) and (Lauren) and others and I want to be able to spend time with friends and family and watch all of the TV shows, and be caught up with all of my blogger friends after leaving intelligent-ish, supportive and/or entertaining comments on their blogs to show how much I appreciate them, and I want to stay informed about world, national and local current events/news. From a writing standpoint, I want to somehow bring in new readers and write on my book and feel like I’m making progress there. I also want to make delicious, healthy meals for my family. Then there are our furry family members. I want to give Birdie the extra love and attention she needs right now because she’s been a little needy lately and I also want to give Bud the love and attention he needs and walk him outside without being dragged down the sidewalk in his excitement; and also give Iggy the love and attention she needs when she’s here (and I miss her today because she’s been gone for a solid week, but I expect her to be here soon.) From a health standpoint, I also need to work out and start losing weight again. From there, it flows that I want my art studio back in good shape and ready for me to start working/creating there again; and oh, I need to start working on the quilts I’m supposed to hand out to family for Christmas this year and it’s already August and I haven’t even started and I need twelve. Plus I need to start looking for a job, but how can I look for a paying, 40-hour a week job when I can’t even get my shit together enough before adding that monster to my to-do list? And I want to spend more time with Ryan’s group because that’s important to him and I want to get to know the members and their families better and help out in whatever way I can (certainly not financially…we’re broke) because this is so important; even though I suspect several of the parents think I’m stand-offish or worse because I’ve been not around much and I definitely got the stink eye and the cold shoulder from more than a few of them the last time I turned up which both makes me want to stay away but also makes me realize just how much I need to be there. Plus, I also need to play another game or two of Yahtzee with Ry today because he enjoys when we do that and today’s his dessert day and he wants to go out for dessert but I’m thinking I’ll make him banana pudding instead because Lauren’s also coming for dinner and I know she makes the best but shouldn’t she enjoy banana pudding (her recipe) without having to always be the one who makes it? and also because Ryan loves banana pudding and so does David and I do too, but who has time to make that plus the special tea (with or without the booze) that I planned on making today along with the tweaked Ina Garten recipe I planned on making for dinner? Plus a shower — I need one desperately as I write this and I still have to go grocery shopping and Lauren will be here in about two hours…and so…fuck. It’s Sunday afternoon, after 4 PM and this is where I am. I have all of this stuff I have to do and nothing’s done. But it’s not like I’ve been doing nothing. I’ve been working on this week’s schedule and menu and grocery list and a few other things and it’s all fine and well but I need to actually finish my to do list/schedule for this week, even though the day’s pretty much shot as I’m writing this, and now I have other things to do including paperwork and exercise and at least I’m writing in my journal even as late as it is. The fact that I’m getting anything down on the page because I’ve been so neglectful about journaling over the last several weeks (God I hope it’s not been months, but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion it has been) is progress, only I wrote all day yesterday on what was supposed to be a journal entry, which is on this rolling file of entries, but as it turned out, what I wrote is also going into the book I’m working on, because my last blog post surprised me so I was processing this by writing/reflecting about it (yesterday) and it became this whole study/parsing thing that included what was happening behind the scenes as I wrote a blog post that was like pulling teeth and I thought, no one really knows just how difficult this sucker was to write and yet it came out exceptionally well (God knows why) and…I base that on the fact that it was humorous and the comments from readers which were incredibly kind and insightful and I thought it might be interesting for whoever eventually buys my book to see how that all came together (spoiler: there’s that part in the middle where a miracle, possibly named Penny, happens and that’s about as close as I can explain the creative side of things) and when I cut and pasted it over to my book, it said I added forty-something pages with just this one “chapter” which is phenomenal if it’s true and I’m joyous that it says that, but I gotta wonder if I messed up on counting the pages and if I didn’t that also means I have a lot of fucking editing to do when it comes time. And everyone’s blog posts I’m reading right now reminds me of something I could write as a full blog post in response to the questions they posed or the observations they made and there’s just not enough time to do that. If I actually had the supernatural energy to go with my explosion of thoughts and the mild high it’s giving me at the moment, I’d say I were in a manic phase (not that I have bipolar), but it’s because that mind explosion isn’t leading to aimless, grandiose activity, and it’s not harming anyone or me and it’s not complete gobbledy-gook writing that is senseless when I read it back, the fact that I can sleep and I can focus — that’s what let’s me know that I don’t have anything brewing psychologically speaking, so that’s one less thing to worry about at least, even though I had to check just to be sure. Still, this is a rare enough phenomenon, and as crazy-looking as it is, I can see it for what it’s worth and so I do appreciate this influx of creative energy (Thank you, God!) even if I can’t harness all of it at once. And I have a blog and I need to write a post to publish in about a day, so do I write a blog post about my badass music playlist, which would be a continuation of my comments and in response to Rhonda’s blog post about her good vibes playlist and would be a relatively easy and safe topic to write about and fun as hell to write…though hell should not be fun…I definitely need a better way to express this (but as I think I proved on my last post, safe doesn’t always have to mean boring) or do I write on the nature of repetition which would be in response and inspired by Christopher’s post on his blog, another safe and fun topic that each time I think about it, what I want to write just becomes expansive as hell…or heaven, really…I need to get past these religious metaphors…and my mind just kicks into overdrive with all the thoughts that go along with that or should I write about something else I read on someone else’s blog (who shall remain nameless) in response and as somewhat of an apology and/or explanation to this blogger because I think I freaked him or her out when I commented on his or her post a while back because someone freaked him or her out (“left a disturbing comment” is how he or she phrased it) even though he or she was trying to hide/disguise who that person might be because he or she’s kind that way and I think he or she’s hoping that whoever he or she’s writing about won’t recognize themselves, but as I read it, I got the distinct impression that I might be the culprit, so even though I’m not absolutely positive I’m the one who freaked him or her out, yea…I really think I’m the one because my comment in response to their blog post was…while true…was also intense and his or her response to my comment was an OMG response…and that was fine with me…but the thing is, what I wrote or perhaps something else bothered him or her, apparently, because he or she felt like he or she didn’t know exactly how to respond to my intensity or someone else’s intensity…and now he or she’s wanting to know how to handle a situation like this in the future…and it’s like he or she’s saying, “I’m asking a simple question and I get this disturbing comment in return and so why would someone do that and what do I say in return if this happens in the future?” But my thought is if you don’t want to hear someone’s truth, then maybe don’t ask because you just never know what someone’s truth is out there, which, presumably, is why you asked the question in the first place, because you want to know, I think, because it opens doors to others’ truths and you get a glimpse of what a bunch of people…diverse people across the globe…might have to say, and some of it may sound familiar or repetitious, but not every response will be. Sometimes a response is surprising and isn’t at all what you expected but that’s both the pros and cons/risks of asking questions, even seemingly innocuous questions, to a wide audience…but definitely you shouldn’t take it personally if it turns out that a reader’s response reveals more intensity than you’re used to getting because while if someone wrote something as a response to me like I wrote to this person, I might have responded back with something like, “I can’t even imagine what your life must be like or what you’re going through and while I can fully appreciate how no one could find a way to balance everything you’re going through, I wish there was a way to make it less stressful for you, so please know that I’m sending prayers and virtual hugs your way and it’s my prayer and hope that some of that intensity will let up soon, so please take extra good care of yourself, especially right now, because you are worth it and know that ‘this too shall pass,’ even if for a minute” — because ya know, that’s what I do when there’s nothing else I can do for someone, especially someone I don’t know well — and now I guess I’ve responded to myself the way I might have responded to someone else if they were in my shoes, but I also know I didn’t take it personally when I didn’t get a similar response from this OMG blogger, but again, whatevs…it’s not like I was betting on or needed a specific response to my comment…it was just my truth…and I always mean it when I try to comfort someone in an intense and seemingly unbelievable or difficult situation, but I’ve never felt the need to take personally how someone’s responded unless it was mean-spirited and blunt…but then that’s a whole different deal whenever I’ve posed a question in a blog post or they’ve responded to my comment. Nor have I felt like I should take any responsibility for someone’s outcry from a stressful situation, but I’m not this blogger, who may be more empathetic and sensitive than me, and he or she isn’t me…and I often forget that I can sometimes be perceived as “too much” by “normal” people when it all gets too much (even for me) because my life is…usually stressful and intense with bullshit ridiculousness coming out of the blue so fast that I didn’t see it coming (literally) until it’s clocked me in the noggin…which is why I have this blog, aptly names Wayward Sparkles. And when I say that, I also cross my fingers, spit over my left shoulder and knock on wood, that whatever I’m dealing with currently is never 24/7 intense, except for those rare occasions in short durations of time. Then sometimes it is too much and it feels exceptionally hard to get through but always, eventually some of the intensity wanes for a moment…and it’s during that period that I’m going to take that crisis or difficulty and use it as fodder in my writing because I believe in sublimating the hell out of negative energy and stress…and dammit, rare is it that I don’t have stress fodder to write about…but I guess that’s the trade off for actually being alive…at least in my world. So, anyway, while that is both a blessing and a curse, I feel like I should address this so this blogger won’t feel as freaked out (if I am the culprit), but I also don’t want to come off as stuck on myself if it’s totally about someone else and has nothing to do with me at all, which would be nice to know and lessen much of my anxiety about this because, God knows, it’s not about me, me, me all of the time, ya know…and who would want it to be? But even if it isn’t about me, I probably still need to write myself a sign and put it in my office that says, “Try not to freak people out, ‘k?” to remind myself that I probably need to dial it down a little because my intention is never to harm or disturb others. My aim is to share my experiences, my life and to entertain them, yes, but if there is something in what I write that also speaks to someone in a different way and it gives them pause to think about and consider something in their own life, just like this blogger’s post has done to me, not to freak them out or take undue responsibility for or create a crisis for, but for them to expand their horizons or realize something important they need to think about and, perhaps, do something about, then I don’t really consider that a bad thing. So if I did freak this person out, unintentionally, of course…well, then…fuck. I’m so sorry. That was never my intention. And also, even though life is often too much, I’m not suicidal or desperate (well, not super desperate…there is a spectrum)…I’m more or less used to living life at this level of intense craziness and when it goes up in intensity from there, I tend to respond in kind and sometimes that’s reflected in my engagement with others whether face-to-face or while blogging or even commenting on others’ posts. And, no, there’s no balance or light at the end of the tunnel or rhyme and reason to any of it. I don’t know why my life is this way. I know I didn’t ask for this stupid craziness. Does Karma have it in for me? Maybe, I just don’t really know. Or do I blog about this lie that’s been told about me for a very long time now and it re-surfaced again recently and that’s kind of driving me a little nuts, as lies can do, but especially now for some reason, or do I write about the new Ancient Aliens episodes, which I haven’t had time to even watch (I’m so behind) or should I write about the weird things our writers group members have seen specifically at Panera or I could write about the house that exploded just a few miles away about a month ago and include the pictures David took when we drove by? Plus I realize that at some point, I’m going to have to write a review about Anita’s book and so…yeah…and I don’t know if I have the words or ability to do a very good job at that. And I have several things I want to read, and I haven’t been able to finish reading Sherry’s manuscript yet because life exploded; hence, this journal entry — but that’s one thing that I not only need to read but also want to read. Plus I’ve been watching all of these YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani about narcissism because I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m dealing with at least two, diagnosable narcissists who I never realized were narcissists until this past week and dealing with people who are truly narcissists is difficult (and I’m being kind) and that’s been a mind-blowing awakening that I’m still trying to process. And this next week is going to be difficult because I’m having to get my throat checked out by the ENT and I’d much rather pretend there isn’t a problem and ignore all ailments and I’m also going to need to deal with Dad, and I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing that Dad’s more than likely a bonafide narcissist, although he hasn’t been formally diagnosed, but I think now that my blinders are off, and along with my education, it’s pretty evident, as evident as the fact that he’s been hoarding shit to cope with Mom’s death and his own mortality and other emotional and mental demons, which makes him a bonafide hoarder. But he’s not been formally diagnosed with that either. Then of course, I’ve had to ask the hard question of myself, could I also be a narcissist? But I think the various therapists I’ve worked with since I was in my teens would have mentioned that to me by now if that were the case…and they haven’t and also, I kind of did a quick self-evaluation…because self-doubt…and although I know that when I’m highly stressed, I exhibit a tendency or two…the bottom line is that a tendency or two doesn’t make for a bonafide narcissist, although it’s an indication that I need to get my shit together and re-think how I’m handling things…because last weekend was a complete and utter shit storm, and I haven’t written much about it and don’t plan on putting any of that on my blog either, maybe I’ll provide a quick update if or when something warrants it, but the entirety of that crisis has been incredibly difficult and involved our entire family…and I should name it, I mean we name hurricanes and this is much the same, so I should name this crazy, stupid situation Shit Storm Jalanda, which will probably end up in my book, probably under that title and I really, really need to write about that…if for no other reason than just for the therapeutic value; which I need to also stop doing on other bloggers’ posts because I didn’t realize how difficult that makes it for some. But I’m going to stop now, mainly because Lauren just walked through the door and Iggy Bean is also here and wants to say hello to me before she heads out to the backyard to take a poop, because that’s Iggy’s routine — come in, say hi, then go poop in the backyard and now I have to cook, socialize and do other things.
Friday, August 20, 2021
So this week was spent working on a blog post, which I determined was going to be about the lie that’s been told about me for so long and when I came up for air, it went over 5,000 words, but then I was able to edit it down to around 3,500 words and now it’s back over 5,000 again. But at least that’s done, finally! But guess what? It’s going into my book because of the nature and delicacy of the issue I was writing about and so then I started trying to figure out what else to write about for this blog post and it’s Friday! How the hell did that happen? And this week, I ended up having to postpone and reschedule all doctor appointments and other places I was supposed to be and we went into a mini-quarantine because Lauren was fully exposed to Covid at her work and there was some confusion about the timeline from when she was exposed and when she was around us…but she’s now tested again and, once again, her Covid test has come back negative…so I’m 99 percent we’re in the clear…but instead of going places and doing the things I had appointments set up for, we’ve spent a good chunk of the week with the TV on, watching as the evacuation of Afghanistan plays out and that’s been so unbelievable and heart-wrenching…and then while we were in quarantine, I found out Dad is sick as a dog, but not from Covid, thank God, which I worried might have been the case because of his symptoms, even though he’s fully vaccinated, and the I found out the limitation of the Covid vaccinations, which have now been emphatically explained to me — that while it does provide some protection, the vaccination doesn’t necessarily keep you from getting Covid 100 percent, it just keeps you from getting incredibly sick and/or dying from Covid or you may end up with it and not even know you have it if you’re asymptomatic, which is a huge fear — but usually and with no absolute guarantees — you knock on wood that you won’t get sick, so now I guess I have a better understanding…but that may change…stuff is changing all of the time and it’s hard to keep up with the latest and greatest. But Dad was tested this week, it had nothing to do with Lauren btw, and those results, like Lauren’s, also came back negative and it turns out that he’s really sick because we’ve had a week of temps in the low 90’s and rain throughout the week in mid-August in fucking Texas which means we’ve had miserable humidity, which is the equivalent to hell freezing over…only the opposite extreme…which isn’t good, but it is what it is and while it’s been nice not to have to deal with actual 100-plus degree heat, the humidity and 90-plus heat creates it’s own miserable clusterfuck of trouble and that caused Dad’s COPD to flair up and he’s had a difficult time breathing, but at last check, he’s hanging in there. His doctor told him to stay inside…as if Dad’s going to listen…so, yeah…
So my journal entries were very stream-of-consciousness writing, but at least they’re something. To me this indicates I need a mental health break. So I’m taking next week off from writing blogs, y’all. I really need to get caught up on a ton of other things I’ve been neglecting, including all of your blogs…not that I’ve wanted to neglect anyone or anything…so I hope everyone is doing well and I hope I get bunches done…so I can feel better. If you don’t see me for a week or two, at least you’ll know why. I will definitely be back in September! Enjoy the rest of meteorological summer and stay safe, everyone! Happy writing if you write and happy reading as well! I adore you all and I can’t wait until we reconvene!
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And now for Music…and it doesn’t get any better in mho than the Mighty Zep!
and then there’s
and lastly, the indomitable