Full Tilt

WARNING OR DISCLAIMER OR APOLOGY OR ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I’M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO CALL THIS. 

Dang, when I wrote this, it never occurred to me that I would freak so many people out or else I wouldn’t have posted it. Talk about a colossal post fail! Anyway, clearly, I need to work on honing better discernment. Please know if you choose to read the below or you’ve already read everything but this new stuff I’ve written in blue, that I’m not talking or writing about you. 

This post is about people that as far as I know, no one in my writing sphere online or through the writing group I belong to has met or knows, which is why I thought it would be okay to put my frustrations on my blog. Anyway, please know that I appreciate all of my readers and my Wayward Friends. I’m not going to write stuff that is ever going to pertain to you unless it involves how appreciative I am for your friendships and support or how excited I am for you…you know, the good stuff because…why would I ever write negative stuff about y’all? The answer is I wouldn’t. There would never be a good reason to do that.

It’s just difficult sometimes dealing with “extra” when I’m already neck-deep in my own stress. Anyway, that’s why I wrote the below. I’m under some pretty intense stress right now and then I had more piled on top and I was stuck and I needed to let off steam. If anyone is wondering, I’ve been ill since last Sunday (9/8) when I went down with nausea and a headache. I can read for a few minutes before my head starts throbbing really badly (which it is right now, but I’m sucking it up for a few) and the nausea comes back and I have to stop. I can’t go anywhere without getting motion sickness. I started feeling better this past Sunday and yesterday I was able to finally get my post out. Maybe I overdid it because today, I’m sick again. Go figure. Yep, I know. I need to go to the doctor because I can’t continue on like this. I’ll put the call in tomorrow. Not that this is an excuse for putting out this post, exactly. I guess it’s more like an explanation.

I’m sorry if I upset anyone who’s read this, and I hope I haven’t scared anyone off. I’ll do better in the future. I adore you all! Mona

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So what do you do when you’ve been taking the high road for so long that your nose has started to bleed? I mean, sometimes you just have to call bullshit and say enough is enough. Right, or no? But I won’t. Still…I kind of want to, especially when people are just asking for it.

Trust me when I say that there’s damned little that gets past me regardless of how busy I stay; and I ALWAYS have a ton of shit going on. I know. Who doesn’t, right? And maybe because I don’t advertise everything I have going on, some don’t really understand what this means when I say it; so let me translate — I don’t need “extra” drama in my life. Like ever. So take your drama elsewhere.

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But when that happens, regardless, I try and stay as chill as I can, not only for my sake, but for everyone’s benefit — because no one wants to hear my never-ending, woe-is-me complaints or have to deal with BITTER BITCH. Trust me when I say that I make for a mean, bitter bitch. I mean it’s sweet that my Wayward Friends are willing to put up with this side of me for awhile; but I get it, that shit gets old PDQ. So, please, don’t invoke BB. Okay?

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I try to mix it up on this blog because life is rarely easy in my neck of the woods; but there’s still a lot I’m thankful for. I don’t want this blog to just be about me complaining all the time nor do I want it to be a blog that’s nothing but leopard spots and chicken sandwiches either. There’s a time and place for everything, I suppose. And just because I’m not always going around screaming out how grateful I am, that doesn’t mean I’m not, especially when it comes to the people in my life.

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On the other hand, just because I am grateful, that doesn’t necessarily mitigate some of the nastier things I’m dealing with at this moment in time. So I try and keep things honest even if I sometimes get into gross human stuff or hardcore emotional shit. I try and warn y’all when I can because I respect that not everything I put up here is for everyone. Even so, when I do share, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to share everything or that anyone is privy to my thoughts and beliefs any time they demand. And why would anyone think they should have that right?

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Still, there are some who want to intrude and tell me unnecessary shit about stuff they don’t really have a clue about, and they get dangerously close to my telling them to fuck off because I’m much too busy to deal with their silliness when they’re saying rude, inappropriate things to me or attempting to meddle in my affairs without an invitation from me. So if they’re out of bounds or trying to start something — because you know, sometimes people start shit and they don’t always know why, I have choices, which I have delved into before here:

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  1. I can ask them what’s wrong and risk getting involved in their drama. However, they’ll more than likely tell me that they don’t have anything going on and that they don’t know what I’m talking about. Then it becomes a big deal involving too much of my time and energy trying to drag out what’s really bothering them; and it’s really not my deal nor was I invited in, and so I’m loath to get involved. So, I’m begging you, either tell me what’s wrong or get a shrink already. Or don’t do either of those things if you don’t wanna. But in that case, I’d appreciate it if you just left me out of whatever the hell you’re going through if you’re not going to be honest and open with me. I mean, I usually have empathy; but what I don’t have time for is stupid games, especially right now.
  2. I can ignore them and take the high road.
  3. I can have my say (and I can be very blunt if you haven’t noticed), which might clear the air or end the relationship or who knows what. All of that has happened in the past. Even if our relationship remains intact, though, someone always ends up with hurt feelings, with words that can’t be unsaid.
  4. I can distance myself and stay busy with everything I’ve got going on and pretend I don’t remember every shitty word they’ve said to me — with an emphasis on pretend.

So I’ve tried not saying anything inappropriate, while still asserting myself. This approach has done nothing more than embolden some because they’ve continued on with their “extra.” The bad kind of “extra.”

And I hate that because then it starts messing with my ability to focus on the other stuff in my life that really does require my concentration. I start questioning things that were said and replaying what happened and whether or not I handled the situation in the best way possible or whether I’m making too big a deal out of everything, which is really a bunch of stupid I don’t need in my life; but there’s a reason why I score high on neuroticism. It’s what I do.

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Ultimately, “everyone’s full of shit to some degree.” And while I’m hesitant to write that because it sounds so ugly, what I mean is that people are not divine (in general) and tend to be a smidge hypocritical here and a touch judgmental there and they have their insecurities and biases and their coping mechanisms which often includes living in denial or creating drama for themselves or other people or just being plain ole’ mean. But we’re all human and — humans being who and what we are — well, we can be ridiculous in what we sometimes think, how we sometimes act, and even how we sometimes feel.

It’s not something I like to dwell on too much; but it is what it is, as trite as that may be, and I fully understand that this is part of the absurdity of life. We all have our good qualities and our faults, our strengths and challenges and, of course…our internal and external bullshit to deal with.

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BTW, I’ve been guilty of all of the above at different points in my life and I continue to be full of shit at times, so it behooves me not to be too harsh or too critical of others; which is why I try to maintain a laissez faire approach to friends, acquaintances, family and even myself; because life is just fucking hard and we’re all trying to get through it the best way we know how. So I try and paint broad strokes instead of narrow lines in the sand for behavior I won’t tolerate; but, also, I can forgive a whole fucking lot.

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Still, when someone becomes so blatantly damned “extra” that they start trampling my boundaries and sense of fairness and this starts impacting my life or the life of a loved one in a negative way, you know there’s only so much I’m able to take. And usually when that happens, it’s because the offender thinks that they can treat me or a loved one inappropriately and get away with it. For whatever reason I’ll never understand, they don’t believe there will be  consequences.

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AND THERE ARE ALWAYS CONSEQUENCES!

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See, my mother raised me to understand this little fact of life. She also taught me about the Golden Rule and about Karma. And throughout my life, I’ve seen people act shitty and then get what they had coming to them. It’s never pleasant when it happens, either. So call it what you want, but honest-to-God, I’ve been on the receiving end of Karma’s bite and I’ve seen God’s divine justice; and I try really hard not to do shit to others because I don’t want shit done to me. Seriously, I don’t mess around with that stuff. I may tease about it, but when you get down to brass tacks, I try really hard not to go there.

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Maybe that’s why my bullshit barometer is so spot on and I’m so reluctant to deal with others’ behaviors and attitudes. Because when someone decides to go there, they’re bringing their drama, as well as wearing a ton of eu de la moral superiority like it were a fucking cape that they’re showing off. And damn, that’s difficult to ignore because that shit stinks.

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Still, while I often see it coming, it’s rare that I can stop the migraine of truth from stabbing me right between the eyes, usually because a loved one or someone I respect has drenched themselves in moral superiority and drama and rubbed up way too close against me. My eye starts twitching when that happens. It makes me sad once I realize that someone I really like is acting like an ass for whatever reasons they have, specifically when they’re acting like an ass toward me or a loved one.

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My old therapist, Dr. Stephens (who I miss so much), would have laughed if I told him the whole story of why I’m writing this (of which I’m not telling anyone here.) In the end, though, he would have also told me to ignore the “extra” if I can. Besides the fact that I really like the people I’m annoyed with at present, Dr. Stephens would have reminded me that people who engage in this kind of behavior are often grossly unaware of what they say and do or that they’re wearing their moral superiority as though it were heaven sent. They tend to not be interested in changing their ways so you gotta just ignore them because what else is there to do even if they are stomping all over your last nerve?

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It rarely helps to call them on their bullshit either because they refuse to believe that they’ve done anything wrong or inappropriate. And when they can’t admit these things even to themselves, then they sure as hell aren’t going to listen to the likes of me. So I attempt to appreciate the good things about them while ignoring their crap; which is sometimes damned near impossible. So it feels like I’m dealing with this —

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But it’s not up to me to correct other people. Nope. That was my mother’s job. And even though she’s dead, I don’t want that job. So it’s best that we just live and let live and move on. Isn’t it? Which isn’t to say that it doesn’t sometimes get under my skin. It also doesn’t help when there have been more than two people who have added to my present bullshit load either.

Anyway, the last several weeks have been…interesting…and now I’ve got a nosebleed and I find myself almost double dog daring myself to let these peoples’ ‘”full of shit” collide with my own “full of shit.” But I won’t because of the carnage. I mean, when I’ve had enough and it keeps coming, there comes a point when I might be willing to say, “Come on then, motherfucker. Let the shit fly and land where it will.”

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But I’m not there yet and I don’t want to get there. Because I don’t like to hurt people and I don’t like to be hurt. And then there’s Karma and Divine Justice, of course.

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What I’ve found myself asking for lately is just the right zinger for when I end up in a similar situation again. And yeah, if I were to look at the pattern, there will more than likely be a next time.

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And so I asked and I received this —

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Isn’t that truly magnificent? I mean, I may not ever have to utter these words, but it sure does feel good to know that I have them at my disposal. I’ll be thinking this silently in my head (at the very least) when I say nothing and show nothing but a contemptuous smile on my face as I deal directly with eu de la moral superiority and drama.

You know what else feels good? Being able to do this —

Try it — it’s sooooo satisfying! I can’t tell you how many people I worked with in therapy to whom I taught this when they had to deal with their own shitheads. And every single one of them laughed and thanked me. Anyway, I didn’t invent it, but I do use it now and again when I need something to make me laugh and there are some people who need to have their heads crushed between my thumb and forefinger. So I really want to thank The Kids In The Hall for this nugget. I know my life is much better with this in it!

SO, HEAD CRUSHERS, UNITE! I hope everyone has a great week!

What music do I have for you today? Excellent question. How about a little Alice in Chains —

TTFN,

Mona

25 thoughts on “Full Tilt”

  1. Mona,
    First, having crossed lines without realizing it recently myself, I am hardly one to be talking about crossing lines, but that experience also lends itself to the thought that possibly (benefit of the doubt) some of the people who are crossing lines with you do not have any idea that they are acting with so much moral superiority and drama – truly clueless they are. But you know these people, you have a history with them, you can better detect/discern/deflect their BS. No one is in a better position to do that than you.
    Two other things strike me. One is the thing Sarah said recently in response to my What We Keep post. “I get rid of all of my material things, and do my best to keep all my people, unless of course they don’t want to be kept.” That made sense to me. On account of it, I reached out to a friend with whom some tension had grown and decided to have a conversation and see if there is anything redeemable before closing the door more or less permanently. I am trying to figure out if this person “wants to be kept.”
    The other is something my mother used to say (which seems funny coming from an era when they didn’t have the best laundry detergent!): “It all comes out in the wash.” Meaning, I think, that sooner or later, in the agitation of the wash cycles, everything comes out, reveals itself – i.e. all the little hidden things that get in the way of, presumably, a garment being as clean as it could be. Hence, in parallel, in the agitation of life’s major and minor conflicts, all the hidden agendas, deviances and virtues of each person spins itself out and reveals a relationship as wonderful as it could be, or not. Sooner or later you see the true person. Sometimes that moment is disappointing because he/she is not what you had hoped/thought (not even close sometimes), and sometimes the most noble and otherwise admirable features are right in front of your eyes and you are astonished that you did not see them so clearly before.
    Oh, and another thing I have heard that has helped me is to not let people have emotional power over me. If they are getting me upset, they are where they want to be, in control, and I am flailing or becoming someone I don’t want to be. And that’s not okay. I am stronger than that. Most of the time. I hope.
    And if I am (again, as I have been known to be) completely off base, or possibly even intrusive, forgive me and then ignore this nonsense. I try but sometimes miss the mark. And if I am ever the person who did the offending, please talk to me. You have my contact info. Very possibly I’m clueless.
    I see a heart of gold inside you. Very best wishes always, Patricia

    • Hey Patricia,
      My friend, as always you have wisdom and kindness and love that shines through your words. Of course you haven’t crossed any lines with me. Matter of fact, it occurred to me after I read this that I need to go back and put up a disclaimer because I’m worried that my readers might worry that either I’m talking about one of them or that I might write about one of them if they ever were to cross a line with me someday. And the answer to that is absolutely not. I miss my therapist. This is the kind of stuff that I might have discussed with him instead of writing about it, and I probably will never write words like this again on my blog. Because while I may have been venting, I think I inadvertently scared some of my readers; which I think is a huge line I just crossed. The point is, I would never write something on here that I thought the someones in question who I was writing about would actually read this; so I assumed that this was a safe place to air that without thinking this through well enough. So, I so apologize if my words caused any of my readers alarm! Also, I wish I had the power to never let people get under my skin; except, I suppose, I also don’t. It is our vulnerability to one another that allows for deeper relationships. It’s the fact that I’m willing to trust someone enough that I can share things with them and know they won’t hurt me; until, of course, they do. It’s when that trust is trampled on and taken for granted through unkind or inappropriate words is what creates the problem. I expect some of that in any relationship, of course. I’m sure I’m more than guilty of this unintentionally and inadvertently. However, there is that point when that’s what it’s mostly become and right now that’s how I feel about certain people. I don’t feel I can trust them any longer. I’ve been there before and it hurt like hell when friendship ended. I certainly didn’t expect it then or now, but it’s not something I can control. So, yes, if I open up to people, I’ll probably make myself somewhat vulnerable with the prayer that they aren’t going to trample to roughly and will listen when I say enough. I, of course, promise to do the same. We’re all resilient, though; and it makes me sad. So please forgive me and my venting and my upsetness, my gentle friend. I appreciate all that you are and have done for me. Thank you, again, for your keen insights. I’ll re-read them several times and apply what I can.
      I don’t know how things turned out for the person in your life after you had your conversation; I hope it worked out the way you wanted it to. I don’t believe things would work out as well for me. The point is and my worry continues to be…well all that I’ve written above, actually. I guess I’m not very good at bowing out gracefully since I’m going kicking and screaming. I need to learn that skill. Mona

      • Hi Mona,
        I took a few days to think about this, and much as I wish it weren’t true, I do find myself falling back on my own insecurities, always worrying I have overstepped somehow, even though I truly did not think that you were referring to me. I really only meant that if ever I DID overstep with you, I would want you to talk to me. But it got me to thinking that in the same way that I always worry it had to be me (!) doing the wrong thing and causing the issue (right? I must have done something!), maybe these other people just naturally fall back on their own norms — i.e. they create unnecessary drama and stress — and since that is very likely the case, plain and simple it is probably best for you to draw the line, close the door and redirect your energies to those who bring joy and light to your world. That’s my bit 🙂
        Best wishes to you always,
        Patricia

        • Patricia,
          Know this…if I ever have a problem with you, I will privately get in touch with you and get it worked out and I would want you to do the same with me. You have given me absolutely no reason to feel anything but proud to call you my friend! And you’re right, there are some people we just have to let go of and move on because they’re crazy makers (me being Evidence #1 of being made crazy.) Does that sound right? You get my gist! Hugs, Mona

          • Sorry for the delay in responding – I was unexpectedly sick this weekend and flat out, tuned out, oblivious to most everything. Yes, that sounds right. What I struggle with is benefit of the doubt. I want to give it! But sometimes I give it too much and perhaps the other person is (consciously or unconsciously) saying SUCKER! as I keep coming back for more. I like to think they don’t have a clue how hurtful they are being, and many times probably they don’t. But I still harbor the hurt. I have wondered lately if perhaps we humans are programmed for some conflict, and “need” a bit of it to keep us 1. able to deal with bigger versions of it when it comes along and 2. able to reflect on the things that are wonderful, that aren’t a conflict, so as to keep perspective on just how blessed we are. The problem comes when people aren’t (like you) trying to work their way through these things and maintaining honest outlooks of 1 and 2, but are instead actively riling themselves and others up or looking for more, simply because (it seems) they have nothing better to do.

          • Patricia, I’m glad you’re feeling better! You have some interesting ideas to chew on! I’ll be pondering while I tackle my fall cleaning this week! I may be wrong at times, but when my gut is telling me there’s something amiss when I’m dealing with a person, there’s usually something wrong! Conflict is part of life, no doubt; but when someone’s broken trust with me, I recognize it. That’s painful. But again, pain is a part of life! It definitely keeps me alert.
            🍁🍂🍁

  2. Ha! I’ve been crushing people’s heads for years! Whenever I do it, and my wife is around, she just rolls her eyes at me. So, of course, I crush her head!

    Hopefully all these people can save their drama for their llama and leave you in peace.

    • Thank you so much for your support on this matter. Do I call you Arionis or do you prefer to go by your first name? I was on your blog and saw your name…sooo, I like to ask and not assume.
      Anyway, it’s good to meet a fellow headcrusher! Ha, I knew there were others out there! LOL. Mona

  3. I’m sorry you are dealing with so much. I don’t normally provide advice, so I will tell you what my 15-y.o. son said to me the other day when I had a similar rant/loud discussion about someone else’s drama. He pointed to the room I keep a meditation pillow and yelled at me to “Meditate. Now!” My offloading was creating drama for him and he wanted nothing of it. It works for me and it set me straight. Let their drama bounce and when they calm the F down, have the conversations you need to have. Drama free. Stay zen 🙂

    • Kristine,
      Ah drama! The gift that keeps on giving, eh? I like the idea of zen. Can I borrow some of yours, please? I’m not sure I have it in me to meditate. Never quite got the hang of that. I think painting used to have much the same effect, though. Maybe I need to take up painting again. BTW, please let your son know that I think he’s one smart cookie. He must have gotten to be so smart from his mom! Peace to you both! Mona

  4. One has to ask—are the people you write about really friends? It seems they are very high maintenance. I appreciate what you have to say in the piece. However, It seems a little redundant in spots. Maybe I’m missing the point — but I would be interested in a specific offense. I know you don’t want to identify anyone. But there are universal actions that harm. I was left trying to guess what happened — a little. I continue to be amazed at how ideas and words flow from you, always. Great job.

    • Hey Sheila,
      As always, thanks for your input, my friend. As you pointed out, I’m sure I need to tighten things up. While I understand your point, of course, I won’t go into specifics. The idea wasn’t and continues to not be to point fingers as much as it was to vent and get this out of my system. And now, look, I’ve created another fine mess. *sigh* Unfortunately, at the moment (if you can call this entire day a moment), I have a tremendous headache that will not budge. Otherwise, I would have already put a disclaimer at top that anyone who is reading this isn’t someone I’m venting about nor is it someone they know. So please rest easy. Headache be damned. I’m going to do that now. By the way, I’d love to hear more about what you mean by universal actions that harm. That is an interesting idea. If you come back to this, please elaborate because I’m fascinated, actually. Also, are we all still interested in seeing Downton Abbey together? Perhaps dinner as well? It’s coming up soon. Love you, woman! Hugs, Mona

  5. My first thought as I got into this post was “wow, this isn’t like her at all; someone’s really gotten under her skin.” It was a little off-putting… until I realized how brave it was of you to post. This is raw life, felt through your words. I’m so grateful to you for choosing to put this out there. I know it’s not ‘you’, from only the short time I’ve been out here in the blogsphere. I’m sending some love your way from California & hoping your ride on the drama train ends swiftly and amicably.

  6. Uh-oh. Someone’s acted all crazy and shit. Didn’t know you were a passenger on the crazy train. Karma. Just remember Karma can be good OR it can be bad. Whatever that is, you always deserve it! I think it’s good to vent! Guess what, you write a blog about real life. Don’t get me wrong, the disclaimer was nice but not necessary. If someone needs to check themselves, then they should. We can’t all be ‘extra’ and we can’t ALL want to be it! You said your peace, got it off your chest? Good. Feel better and come play Sunday quick questions! It’s all good, Mona. Really. xk

    • Hey Kim,
      I never pretend to be anything more or less than who I am (maybe I should though!) Nah, it wouldn’t work; I’m horrible at pretense! I do blog about what is most pressing on me when I feel pressured but it’s never with the intent of hurting anyone. The people I’ve written about don’t read my blog. So there’s that! In this case, I’ve been sick for damned near three weeks and then I had the “extra” and I’m still dealing with the “extra” and, ya know, I didn’t mean to scare anyone, but I do feel a little bit better! Thanks for your understanding and encouragement, Kim! Hugs, Mona

  7. It was nice to read this, and the responses as well. I’ve had to deal with some hurtful words about me and my loved ones lately!
    I guess you’ll need to decide based on your situation what the right thing to do is. Dr Phil says you teach people how you want to be treated. If it hurts you deeply, why wouldn’t you say something? Drama sucks but so do pent up feelings. Which is worse, to you?
    Loves and hugs

  8. Hey Sarah,
    You know it’s a lose/lose, isn’t it? You try and be honest and direct, but kind…and it falls on deaf ears. Then you get a little more…blunt. to the point. And eventually when you’ve had your say to the people who have offended you, they act as though you’ve stabbed them or worse. They were so busy just saying crap that they couldn’t hear themselves and they couldn’t see how what they were saying was hurting me or anyone else. What’s that called, being able to dish it out but can’t handle it when it comes back to them? That really doesn’t matter, I suppose. It crushes a little part of me to hurt others intentionally and I would so rather not. I’d rather give them time to get over whatever it is that has them hot and bothered or whatever. Sometimes that doesn’t work either. Sometimes it can’t be helped having to just rip the band-aid off and tell it like it is, I suppose; but it’s kind of a last resort. I’d much rather vent than to get in someone’s face about silliness.

    So how did you deal with your situation? Did you confront the person/people or did you dismiss them from your life or just ignore? I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this, too. Also, I hope you had a wonderful vacation, my friend! Mona

    • I half-confronted them, they shut me down with denial, and then I went away and cried. Is that coping? lol. Well it beats NOT crying, anyway.
      Then I vented to my poor sister who was stuck as the middleman and who tried to explain both sides. And I decided to just let it go since they were clearly not in a place where they could see their own behavior. And I tried to take what they said to heart too, because I don’t want to be like them and just shut them down with denial.

        • Sarah,
          Poems, writing, music, art…whatever ya got, sublimate the hell out of it! That is coping. I love you, my friend, and I hate that you had to go through that! People do like to deny, don’t they? They deny, they gaslight, they do all sorts of things to be shitty and then try and get out of being held accountable for their shitty behavior when a simple “I’m sorry,” and “I won’t do that, say that, act that way again” is all that is required–as long as they actually go out of their way not to do/say/act that way again. That’s the problem though. I think some people enjoy their pisspoor behavior and they fully plan on acting/doing/saying that again. Ugh. 🙁 Big hugs to you, milk and cookies, too! Mona

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