Is it safe to come out yet?
I ask that only because 2021 was such a mean year and 2022 hasn’t been any kinder…yet.
I’ve had to disconnect because I just couldn’t (perhaps, still can’t) handle anything else. I’m only stepping out a little today, now that I feel a little more up to it, just to see which way the wind is blowing before I fully come out and feel the warm sunshine, again…hopefully, without getting burned…again. And that’s it. I’m feeling hopeful today, which is why I’m writing.
Otherwise, I’d retreat back to the safety of disconnection…again.
I’m tempted to tell you how rotten things have been, but I vaguely remember doing that once in September 2019, and I promised I wouldn’t write another post like that. It upset too many of my readers at the time. Also, some of my audience thought I wrote about them, which wasn’t true at all. Then I had to write a disclaimer. It was a whole thing. Ugh.
Still, I just re-read Full Tilt…and believe it or not…it helped me feel better today because what I’m going through now feels much like deja vu. It gave me perspective on how I handled stuff then. Because I got what I needed from it, perhaps I won’t be forced to go through all of that nonsense in the same way. That’s a plus. Also, since I promised, I also won’t go into full tilt warrior mode in this post and rant.
Suffice it to say, though, that after taking so many verbal hits from so many people over this past year, most of whom are relatives — but not all — I went into a major depression. Matter of fact, I think I may still be. (I think I have “can’t see the forest for the trees” syndrome.) It’s been bad enough that I didn’t even decorate for Christmas this year…and that has never happened before. I’ve always managed to pull through for Christmas…even at the last minute. Not this past year though.
It was a weird Christmas, anyway.
I was going to write a post right afterward that started out, “It was the best of Christmases and it was the worst of Christmases.” Yep, I was going to title it “A Tale of Two Christmases.” I couldn’t muster writing at the time, though, so…it’s kind of late for that now. Even so, I’ll tell you that the best part of Christmas was Christmas Eve watching Encanto with Lauren and spending time with David, Ryan, Lauren, Dad (he spent the night at our home!), Birdie, Buddy, Iggy and even Millie the cat (Lauren’s cat!) We had a full house on Christmas Eve even though not one ornament was up.
The worst part of Christmas was a continuation of what happened on Thanksgiving that involved David’s side of the family on Christmas Day. I regret having spent time with certain people. It’s been painful. Trust me, I won’t make that mistake again.
The weirdest thing that happened…
well, one of the weirdest things…was that a family member sent us a very expensive bunch of meat from Omaha Steaks. We got steaks, chicken, pork…I mean we got a ton of meat. It’s sitting in our freezer untouched.
The thing is, when I last saw this family member in the summer, well…it didn’t go well. We haven’t talked since and we used to be pretty damned close. I’m not sure if or when we’ll ever talk again. Also, considering the fact that we’ve rarely exchanged any Christmas presents in over thirty years; and the fact that this family member sent hundreds of dollars’ worth of meat to David, me and Ryan…I have to think that this is…I don’t know…some sort of an apology without actually having to say the word? Which to me feels like this person is trying to buy me off…which feels icky. And maybe that’s me looking a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak, but frankly…this gift was so over-the-top…how could I not think that?
I wanted to send a thank you note that said,
“Thank you so much for sharing your blessings with us! As thoughtful as it was, unfortunately, we’ve all gone vegan in our household; except Buddy, our dog, who is absolutely thrilled at all the meat he’s going to enjoy over the next several months! Again, thank you for thinking of us! Buddy, especially, wishes you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”
I thought it would be funny.
And no, no one one in our household has gone vegan! However, when I mentioned the thank you I was going to send to a couple of people I trust, each thought it wasn’t a good idea even though each also thought that the expensive gift more than likely stemmed from a guilty conscience. Considering the fact that I seem to have lost all sense of judgment (well, maybe not all), I’ve decided not to do anything…yet. I don’t want this person to think that I can be bought off with a fancy gift, and frankly, I’d rather get a sincere apology. The entire thing just feels wrong.
Anyway, I’m sure that eventually I’ll cook something; and then maybe I’ll send a picture of our family enjoying the food and thank this person at that time. Maybe. I dunno. How long can you keep meat in the freezer before it goes bad?
Also, I’m not sure, but I think our family may have caught the Omicron.
I mean we could have each just had a cold or sinus infection. Lauren said that a couple of her co-workers thought they had it, but they tested negative. It turned out they had sinus infections. Mountain Cedar has been the worst this year! So maybe that’s what we had as well. Not that we even went looking for a test. Also, it’s not like we went anywhere when we were sick. We isolated at home. We’re used to doing that these days…even when we’re well. Also, this was after we were boosted. So…without a test, who knows. Have you had Omicron? How did you know one way or another?
Anyway, I’m hoping and sending out vibes for a kinder, gentler 2022!
I’m not in the mood to fight with anyone…not that I was in the mood to fight anyone in 2021. Also, I’m not supposed to fight with anyone. Doctor’s orders. I’m not sure certain people believe me when I tell them that the doctor has told me that I’m not supposed to stress because it exacerbates my condition. Either they don’t believe me or they don’t care. Whatevs. I’m so over certain people.
I’m hoping and praying for all good things this year. Just call me an eternal optimist. And while I prayed my heart out that we’d win the big Powerball lottery that was somewhere in the range of 500 million dollars, and we actually spent good money on the damned thing, I guess God decided that someone else needed that money more than we did this time around. However, God’s delays are not God’s denials! And that’s the story I’m sticking with.
I hope all of your 2022 goals, wishes, whatevers…all good things happen for each of you!